It’s the most irritating thing to have to ‘unsubscribe’ from emails I’ve never subscribed to in the first place.

Hey GPS, I have no fucking clue what a half a mile looks or feels like.

I got your reply and I'm going to need less information.

Resting bitch face because I don’t have the energy for hustling bitch face.

No idea.🤷🏻‍♀️

Lucky!

Weekends are over too soon.

Me and my humility doing another end zone dance.

This day in history. 1926. Winnie-the-Pooh was published. You see, the 1920s was a simpler time when children's authors didn't need a sense of humour.

What’s the right amount of alcohol to tolerate a 14yo sleepover but not have your children taken by the state…

So do you get a new invite code for every 10th post or something?

Finally Friday. I really needed this.

😘😘😘

Damn right you are!

The hardest part about parenting is letting them fail.

Setting an alarm for 345am should be illegal.

If I have to choose between you and me - I like me better.

i’m not addicted to chaos i can quit whenever i want

maybe I like paying $4000 for a bag of groceries just stfu

Many hands make for a great finger gun war.

i’m not addicted to chaos, chaos is addicted to me

I got 99 problems and I respond to all of them with WTF????

I’ve got a ton or shoes for someone with only 2 feet.

I was worried you were acting crazy.

Turns out, it wasn't an act.

Just landed on a flight without my seat in the full upright position and lived.

The nudes are coming from inside the house…