I hate this so much...
WoW used to be my happy place until my guilds were stolen not once, not twice, but three separate times.
My marriage used to be my happy place before my husband believed he was neurotypical and that every problem in our relationship was my fault because I was diagnosed +
Clarification: I'm disabled too, with autism, CPTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and Fibromyalgia, but one day of slightly less navigable aisles on the first day in a brand new location somehow trumped my ability to have a way to support myself for YEARS...
I'm tired, I'm isolated, I'm feeling like there will never be a light at the end of my tunnel because people will always find SOMETHING wrong with me even at my best, I'm sick of being the one who has to send the first message or change for the comfort of ppl who will leave anyway, & I'm depressed.
I've been nauseated for weeks now, stressed to the gills over hubby having another cancer scare, still needing surgery even w/o cancer, and losing his job, barely eating because nausea and stress and depression make my appetite shit, in pain because Fibromyalgia and spring aren't friends... +
IDK, just needed to get all of that out, and I'm the one with the shoulder for everyone else, but they're never okay enough to be MY shoulder. I fucking called my mother to chat today and she tuned out the minute my dad spoke and stopped responding at all, even to questions. +
So, if I seem inconsistent right now, that's why. Everything I try fails. Every time I bend over backwards to make others feel safe, it backfires and I don't feel safe. Every change I make to try and capture ANY joy just explodes on me when I feel comfortable.
It's never ok for me to not be ok. +
Everyone loves my skills as a web designer or artist, until I say "that's a lot of real-world time, I need real-world pay commensurate with over 30 years of XP" and they disappear, even with bargain basement fees (US Federal Minimum Wage FFS).
Now, I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm depressed, and I'm lost.+
Every time I make progress in my marriage, the husband says something that reminds me that my well-being only matters when it's convenient to him.
I have been looking DESPERATELY for a WFH job to work w/ my disabilities because that's the ENTIRE reason I was denied SSI for 4 DAMNED YEARS, no dice.+
Now, I'm struggling to find happy again. The venue is slowly going back to what worked for me, but unless something changes, I don't see us making it past Christmas because we're not a nightclub or strip club, we're a high-end restaurant and people just aren't responding to that. +
My Online social groups were my happy place until they left me feeling that I had to choose between participating and dealing with seeing someone I'd had a painful falling out with, and as someone who has been bullied out of spaces, I didn't wanna ostracize them by making a scene. +
My irl social groups used to be my happy place until the RL ones that took a break for covid came back and didn't invite me back on purpose. +
RP used to be my happy place, and a place I could escape myself for a time until I dealt with several bad RP partners and bad RP Breakups that made it hard to try again.
My venue used to be my happy place until people stopped being mature enough to talk like adults and nearly closed me twice now. +
Going back to school used to be my happy place until the college gave me the middle finger 1 semester in and said no more financial aid, but I don't have the income to cover classes and I refuse to pay 30% var API on a private student loan +
Music uses to be my happy place until I was told I was disturbing my in-laws while I lived there by singing to loud.
Writing used to be my happy place until someone whose opinion mattered to me said they'd "read enough for a lifetime" because of a handful of Mary Sue Fics from HS, >20 years ago. +
Art used to be my happy place. Now, I struggle to put brush to canvas because I watched everyone around me succeed due to them had the freedom and family money to spend hundreds and thousands on classes and good equipment while I was working with Liquitex and Hobby Lobby value brushes. +
Tabletop Gaming used to be my happy place until some asshole thought us having paper towels in the wrong spot and new inventory on the floor on OUR FIRST DAY IN A NEW LOCATION meant that as someone in a wheelchair, his disability mattered more than MY ability to support myself with a business. +
I hate this so much...
WoW used to be my happy place until my guilds were stolen not once, not twice, but three separate times.
My marriage used to be my happy place before my husband believed he was neurotypical and that every problem in our relationship was my fault because I was diagnosed +
Back to RPing a bit. Trying to get one reply to everyone out a day whenever I can. If you have a storyline you'd like for me to resume, tag me or the RP acct it's with.
Moonrise RyΕtei is hosting the Lantern Link Hanami this Saturday, April 11, 7-10pm EDT
Join us for vendors, storytellers, bards, and more!
More Info (Screen reader friendly): hanami.crd.co
#ffxivvenues #ffxivvenue #ffxivrp #MoonriseRyotei #TheLanternLink #FFXIVEvent #FFXIVSFWRP
Moonrise Ryotei is now also on X for those that check/use that more often!
x.com/moonrise_ryo...
#ffxivvenues #ffxivvenue #ffxivrp #ffxivrestaurant #ffxivnightlife #moonriseryotei #panthscatfe
#PanthWrites
Okay guys, I might open fic comms again in April, but there will be a new method, at least at first.
I will only open one at a time and will not open another until that one is finished and off to the client for input for revision.
Fics will also cap at 4k words for now.
Do I write men? Yes, I like men.
Do I write women? Of course, I am one.
Do I write NBs? Sometimes, sib is NB.
Do I write Gays/Lesbians? Yeah, I'm bi/pan
Do I write mono and poly? Yep, been both.
But do I write Trans? No. That has never been my story to tell.
Let them tell it by clicking> #TDOV
I am also looking into re-applying for SSI as well as working on a long-term game plan with hubs for maybe a business to take care of us, but that will take time.
If things get BAD, I may post a GFM. I probably will anyway once I know if/when we're moving.
I am looking at doing this because I miss writing and because my husband is being laid off as of friday. Our lease is not up until September, so I have to find a way to cover bills and gas. I am working with Section 8 to find a way to be okay while not losing my safety net. +
#PanthWrites
Okay guys, I might open fic comms again in April, but there will be a new method, at least at first.
I will only open one at a time and will not open another until that one is finished and off to the client for input for revision.
Fics will also cap at 4k words for now.
Yeah, absolutely. I'm gonna probably have a good relief cry in a bit when I'm done with the chaos of letting everyone know.
GOOD NEWS! NOT CANCER!
Bad news, still gotta solve the employment thing.
SERIOUSLY! FUCK YOU TOO, UNIVERSE!
Just found out hubs is getting laid off his current job on the 3rd, cancer or no.
I've been quiet of late due to some IRL stuff going on, but I should probably prime the pump a bit.
RN, it looks like my husband may have cancer for the 3rd time. We tend to catch it early, but the speed with which this one progressed has me on edge. Hoping to have details and ways to help Monday.
Absolutely. This would be cancer #3 for him. It feels almost routine.
...almost...