thoughts and prayers to the FBI agent who happened to be on his director's shit-list for like, filing his paperwork late, who is now on his way to interrogate the etsy witch with 100% seriousness

wdym white people don't have their own culture and food? have you never put potato chips on a hot dog? have you never mixed coke and sprite at the soda fountain? have you never worn your shoes inside the house?

Travis: like an english teacher, but for FOOTBALL!

[lounging in Taylor's third solarium]

Taylor: hey trav, I've come up with the perfect engagement caption! 'Your English teacher and your gym teacher are getting married 🧨'

Travis: that's so smart babe... *to himself* I am SO just like an english teacher 🙂‍↔️

(he is an extremely nice, polite, hardworking, obliging young man who was obviously raised well by his mom)

my 21yo coworker unwittingly told me he wants to become a cop after he graduates and now every shift the poor guy has to come prepared to defend his previously unexamined philosophy against an aristotelian barrage of questions as to the nature of crime and justice

*in the bene gesserit voice*

alabama, arkansas, I do love my ma and pa, not that way–

baby while you're up can you get some baby carrots, a large bowl of ranch, some ruffles potato chips, and exactly seven hot dogs with only mustard on them thanks love you

I got the job! (couples therapist at Blackrock)

you're poly? what was it like having to tell all of your previous sexual partners they need to get tested

I put it on the same level as Back to the Future, where every. single. line. is relevant to both the plot and character development. every moment leads into the next and every action has a motive.

it does not get enough credit.

it really sucks that joss whedon did bad things to women and I obviously do not condone what he did in any way but you can't deny that left to his own devices he is a REALLY good, tight screenwriter and the first 15 minutes of Serenity are a Master Class in storytelling.

id like to start this suicide note with a land acknowledgement.

what's your personal distinction between "ahhh" and "aaah"

kinda lame that physical gains require maintainence. like you lose them if you don't keep working out. what the fuck.

okay also when Michael leaves for Colorado you find out that every time Stanley has been doing the crossword he's actually been looking at hentai

glad that cut that one

to talk about a two-state solution is to spit in the faces of every Palestinian, living and martyred. it was insulting 20 years ago and it's impossibly more insulting today. the work is not done while isræl still exists.

I believe in a one-state solution — Palestine 🇵🇸

so in s7e17 of The Office Jim references Justin Bieber to Dwight, who responds "who is Justice Bieber?"

but in the superfan cut, Jim then looks at the camera and goes

"...a crime fighting beaver?"

and Dwight says,

"YOU THINK THERE'S A CRIME FIGHTING BEAVER THAT I DON'T ALREADY KNOW ABOUT"

my Lyft driver knows all the words to Paparazzi and none of the notes

I know it will be a boon in the water wars, but right now being an instantaneous and high volume sweater is really embarrassing and inconvenient

the tiiiiniest bit validating that I was right to pick the small liberal arts uni where, as a physics major, I still had to take courses in philosophy, foreign language, econ, comp sci, environmental sci, english, and art.

hey when are v neck t shirts going to be back in style? asking for two friends

look I'm about as atheistic as you can possibly be but if the Pope marched into Gaza with an army of relief workers (or just an army, tbh) I would become the most devout catholic in the known universe

got a Be My Eyes call but someone else answered it before I could now I'm never getting into heaven 😭

literally not a single instance where it's better than the before

actually 2

just 1, but it's BAD

okay. three things:

the raccoons thought the cybertruck was a dumpster lmao

all car trunks are raccoon proof

except for cybertrucks, as illustrated by your own photo

the girl who just discovered listening to music waking up today and looking in the mirror: You're the Dr. Ally Louks of sounds

inside you there are two fingers. three if you're lucky.