Walking through town and seeing all the couples enjoying the food markets and wishing I had a beautiful wife who I was totally in love with, maybe two

If they had the awareness to notice it they’d feel like shit

My number one skill is that I adopt an impressively passive aggressive gait when stuck behind people with zero spatial awareness

I’ve got all jersey cotton everything for my bed, it’s so heavy and cosy, don’t think I’ll ever be able to go back to anything else

I like to think it was willpower but the actual deciding factor was that I didn’t bump into anyone I know, which is typically the catalyst for turning a couple quiet ones into staying until closing time

Successfully extricated myself from the pub at 8pm after limiting myself to two mid-strength beers. My misguided attempt to conquer my blatant alcoholism before the age of 30 while still drinking beers is going swimmingly

No wonder my loaves of bread are always so lethargic and depressed, I don’t have the infrastructure to accomodate their playful nature

Desperately googling how to keep my black button up shirts from fading, I don’t even know who I am anymore

He also did a very racist impression of a woman who dared to ask him a question that it straight up is his job to answer

He just told me on the way out that he “had his first Aboriginal call” today and that “there’s a mob of them and they’re all like ‘gimme gimme gimme’” so yeah I hate that guy now

Real, a proper old money person who doesn’t know how the world works

Haven’t paid to get my hair cut in like 9 years, and I want to, but I’m scared they won’t know what I want and I’ll end up with something dangerously close to the bowl cut mullet thing the youth are sporting these days

Saw my old soccer coach who I hated and he’s a frail old man now, so that was cool

Just tried looking at the top left hand corner of the book I’m reading to check the time. Pure brain rot

Just found out an old employer from over a year ago underpaid me by $600, which I discovered by them paying me $600 and saying “oops our bad 🤭” so that was good

Work drinks recruitment update – still just me and one other guy. Next week though, we’re going to double it. I can feel it

Shout out to the kind card merchant who, when I told him I was looking for the cheapest pack of Yugioh cards so I could use one as a bookmark, gave me a pack for free

Thought I heard a shit band playing at a bar I just walked past but turns out it was a recording coming from a speaker

I won her over with a recurring joke about how I believe the CEO’s extremely frequent organisation-wide newsletters are personal emails to me, and that I’ve deluded myself into thinking we’re close friends

I’m now 0/2 for my ex’s friends nodding back when we make eye contact in public. Might reconsider nodding once I hit 0/5

I turned 29.5 on Wednesday, after work beers may actually be what life is about

Unfortunately the non-normals at work aren’t the kind you’d remotely consider being in a polycule with. Lovely people though

We’ve discussed plans to recruit at least the third and fourth most normal people for next week, if not more

Me and the other most normal guy in my team have gone to the pub for drinks on a Friday after work. Not entirely sure what a Saturn return is but I think this is my purpose

Could be a tapeworm that’s a fussy eater? Ask what it likes

Had to go buy smaller work shirts for the second time since starting my job bc I accidentally keep getting leaner and hotter and richer

Making eye contact with a toilet

New work trainer doesn’t laugh at my jokes and it’s affecting my ability to learn

I thought the horrible thoughts I had all day yesterday were what would scare me into never drinking again but it’s actually this comment and the idea of experiencing it for weeks. Thank you ☺️🙏

Doing a poo at work