every conservative political complaint comes back to "those people shouldn't count because they disagree with me"

You ever try to code switch at work and fail? 😂

Matt Damon playing a 14th century French knight that looks like a third baseman for the Phillies. Mullet. Beard. Smells like horse shit, pine tar, and cigarette smoke.

Matt Damon while playing Odysseus who also looks like a third baseman for the Phillies. Long, skinny beard. Smells like horseshit, pine tar, and perhaps Mediterranean herbs.

Matt Damon playing a 19th century cowboy that looks like a third baseman for the Phillies. Mustache. Shaggy hair. Smells like horse shit, pine tar, and definitely chewing tobacco.

Every time Matt Damon takes on a period role he ends up looking like a third baseman for the Phillies.

I’m at MSG for the Florence + The Machine show and like 1 out of 10 women are dressed for Midsommar.

Look, you shouldn't make a hagiographic movie about a child molester AND you shouldn't make a movie about a performer so talented that no actor can adequately capture them. Even if it weren't immoral to make a Michael Jackson biopic, it would be stupid.

And in a way that doesn’t make them richer than they were before.

There should be a way for sports teams to fire their owners

$11 to pitch for the Mets

Help

This iconic music video was produced by Aardman Animations, with one of the animators being Nick Park, the future creator of Wallace & Gromit www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJWJ...

Iran going after Bsky is a genuinely funny waste of resources.

One reason I dislike the phrase "lost her battle with cancer" is it misses the true battles. For too many with cancer, it's a matter of when it kills them, not if. But every time someone can fight through that pain, doom, diminishment to be the person they are, even briefly, that's a big battle won.

Today I learned a former scene partner passed away this week. We last saw each other in November. We did the opening of Beyond Therapy. She was in rocky shape, but fought through it to come to class and work when she could. I'm glad we did comedy. I'm glad she threw water in my face.

Fuck cancer.

If Trump talked about me like this, I would get straight in the shower with my clothes on and stay there until either the city ran out of water or I starved to death.

Deep fried cheese curds at Brewers games made me a little grumpy about every other sporting event ever since.

You know when you've been struggling to write and then you sit down to write a snippet and then it turns into a couple of pages, and it's not great or perfect or a ton, but it's writing and a reminder that writing is just writing? That's a nice feeling.

Man looks like he took Ozempic on the beach that makes you old

Merry X-Mas (Infowars is over)

As I do every year on 4/20, I will be following the Jeopardy! interview segment tonight by saying “Dream blunt rotation. Now let’s get back into the Jeopardy! round.”

Why, you’d almost think a drunk came up with the number Patel’s seeking in damages.

If you think Kash Patel is embarrassing now, wait til we get an Adam McKay movie with Aziz Ansari in it.

After I lost my girlfriend to cancer, it took two months before I could ride the subway without my eyes tearing up. Almost 12 years later, I’ll still get moments from time to time, but the first couple years were an absolute minefield.

how is this literally happening in real life

In the same manifesto, Palantir's owners argued that we need a national military draft, that soft power is over, and that we were too hard on Germany and Japan after World War II. I don't think that company should be allowed to exist anymore.

Next year will be the 10th anniversary of this joke still not being dated. www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ssj_...

I’ve actually never watched his version!

Rewatched the Fishburne-Branagh Othello. There should be more movies where the villain makes direct address asides to the camera.

When a Major League Baseball game enters the 10th inning, each team has a ghost runner. When a game reaches the 11th inning, each team has a chance to catch a special blinking ball that allows them to eat the ghost runner.

How dare you

you: please act normal Ed you need these people to like you

people: hello Ed nice to meet you

me: the British discoverer of aluminum called it “aluminum” like Americans do now and a couple of editors decided “aluminium” would be better because it matches the cadence of sodium and calcium

Always easy to spot another Mets fan on the timeline.