Sorry I was standing in front of your image. Mike.

When I was a kid, my friends and I were in Florida on vacation during the tournament. The final was set: Rip Hamilton's UCONN against heavily favored Duke. Duke was "a sure thing", but I'll always remember my friend's uncle saying "There's nothing quite as unsure as a sure thing." Duke lost.

Luge gloves or what Mike Johnson makes his son wear to keep from acting on impure thoughts?

Conspiracy theorists are already saying there was a second shitter.

Check out “Night” by Max Beckmann. I’ve always kinda thought of his work as “the missing link” between classical painting and graphic novels.

Me Joining ICE Has Nothing To Do With My Tiny Penis Enough is enough. I’m tired of everyone assuming I’m lashing out at the world just because I’m hung like a mailbox key. Do I have a…

“We’re taking the country back — one and a half inches at a time.”

medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...

Thanks William, wherever you are!

Hedwig would not approve!

Way ahead of you!

Me Joining ICE Has Nothing To Do With My Tiny Penis Enough is enough. I’m tired of everyone assuming I’m lashing out at the world just because I’m hung like a mailbox key. Do I have a…

“We’re taking the country back — one and a half inches at a time.”

medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...

My Dad Tried A Shawshank Redemption-Like Prison Escape But Drowned In The Shit Pipe “Son, your dad died last night in a prison escape.” the warden said.

A humor piece inspired by my favorite movie…

“Prison walls couldn’t contain my father. The same could not be said for the prison sewage system.”

medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...

I, Mike Johnson, Am Too Busy Monitoring My Son’s Masturbation To Follow The News What’s that? How do I feel about the latest Trump scandal? Boy, I wish I was familiar enough with the story to comment. Unfortunately, I’ve…

Ever wondered why Mike Johnson is always oblivious to the latest Trump scandals?

I wrote about it.

medium.com/@ryanwolin/i...

The FIFA Peace Prize goes to the guy who threatened to invade both co-hosting countries.

Behind the Tendency Classics: Ryan Wolin's "Senator Schumer Votes to Let the Big Wooden Horse into Troy" | McSweeney's Internet Tendency Get more from McSweeney's Internet Tendency on Patreon

Check out my @mcsweeneys.net interview for their Behind The Tendency Classics series.

It has shoutouts to @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social, Sam Woods (Bluesky whereabouts unknown) & @mikedrucker.bsky.social, whose great work served as a cheat sheet—I mean—inspiration.

www.patreon.com/posts/behind...

Haha, yep! I did a sequel too- I was just too frustrated with the dems to only do one piece

I assume her name is All Hallows’ Eve

Some leaders go down in history, others just go down.

My latest for @mcsweeneys.net

Senator Schumer Votes to Let the Big Wooden Horse into Troy “In the wake of votes by a handful of key Democrats, led by Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, to pass a GOP-led continuing resolution funding f...

"Yes, there’s danger in opening our gates to this statue. But there’s also danger in keeping it out… the danger of eroding the sanctity of the gift-giving process."

You know who's actually meeting this moment well?

McSweeney's. They've been on absolute fire.

I Vow to Fight Autocracy with Unprecedented Levels of Finger Wagging “Chuck Schumer, the Democratic leader in the Senate, has reportedly been criticized by some of the party’s state governors for not resisting Donald...

“Desperate times call for incremental measures.”

My piece in @mcsweeneys.net

www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...

Twelve Post-Birth Abortion Methods “In Tuesday’s presidential debate, former President Donald Trump again falsely claimed that Democrats support abortions ‘after birth’ and ‘executin...

My McSweeney’s post on the Top 12 post-birth abortion methods. Come for Baby Plinko, stay for the Mobile of Daggers.

www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/twe...

Math Problems from Oklahoma’s New Conservative Curriculum If your new immigrant neighbor breaks a different Commandment every 4 days, what’s the longest he could go before coveting your wife?

My humor piece on Oklahoma’s awful, new, right-wing curriculum…

“If your new immigrant neighbor breaks a different Commandment every 4 days, what’s the longest he could go before coveting your wife?”

medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...

The Candidate Vlad the Impaler Ran Against Was a Little Too ‘Establishment’ for Me Look, I’m tired of conventional politicians and their mealy-mouthed blabber. Vlad has clear policy goals: To stab. And that’s an agenda I…

My final humor piece on the election…

“This country needs new ideas, even if all the ideas are about stabbing. The status quo isn’t working, I want the stabus quo.”

medium.com/@ryanwolin/t...

I, Elon Musk, Will Pay Forty-Seven Dollars to Anyone Who Can Figure Out What’s Wrong with Me “Musk’s Super PAC Offers $47 to Those Who Help It Find Trump Voters” — New York Times, 10/7/24 - - -Please help. My brain is like the Cybertruck n...

“When I watch the movie Tremors, why do I identify with the worms!?”

www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-e...

Why Yes, This Human Internment Camp Did Used to Be a Topgolf Greetings human! Welcome to the internment camp operated by your robot overlords. Congratulations on not being sent to the beheading farm—you have ...

“Offenders will be executed and have their heads placed on pikes (7-irons) as a warning to others.”

www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/why...

Ted Cruz’ Senior Class Vote Ever wondered if Ted Cruz won any of his high school’s ‘Most Likely To…’ superlatives? Of course you have! Well, we dug up the voting…

Most likely to build up a tolerance to Mace: TED CRUZ

medium.com/@ryanwolin/t...

Why Our Racehorses Keep Dying: The Serial Killer Horse Theory We’re saddened to report that yet another horse has died here at Belmont Racetrack, as the beloved Have a Cigar has been snuffed out…

When the horse didn’t win or place, he decided to show them all.

medium.com/@ryanwolin/w...

God’s Column for NewYorkTimes.com EDITOR’S NOTE: God has graciously agreed to write a monthly column for NYT. We’re thrilled to provide a forum for Our Lord to share His…

“EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve removed all mentions of The Baconator after learning God received financial compensation from Wendy’s for each one.”

medium.com/@ryanwolin/g...