Always judging the amount of salt in the pasta water

you saw me on the discover tab making a joke about my labia and tacos and you hit follow. 6 days later i’m fighting with a hermit crab about abolishing the police and you realize you’re in love.

Get the most out of Monday by sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

Edge Of Seventeen, but I need Ric Flair dubbed in for all the woos.

Make it happen internet

Haven’t seen one Von Dutch hat since covid. Makes you think.

I bring a real, "what can life do that it hasn't already done to me," vibe to the table and lemme tell ya folks, I'm constantly amazed

What's going on with my "freaks" and, in some cases, my "geeks"?

*seductively flips hair*

*chicken nugget flies out*

A sign at a public pool for the entrance to a leisure river

They're called Leisure Rivers now, because of woke

no i don’t want to “hang out” i only want to be perceived two sentences at a time by strangers on the internet

We all make grammatical mistakes. The important thing is that you learn from it and delete your account

I know it’s wheelbarrow but wheelbarrel just feels so right

Remember: It’s always more important to identify actors from their previous roles than it is to watch the current movie on your screen.

Treating myself tonight by eating over the nice sink.

If you're looking for something available everywhere 20 years ago, come to Indiana

Sorry I’m late and you’re welcome for showing up at all

I track my cycle by seeing how many times I start crying while watching reels

Make time to cyberbully and cold call your Congresspeople today

“Criss cross applesauce” is the best woke re-brand of all time. So catchy. Caught on immediately. A+ woke work.

Do i see a sushi corndog?

They are sending roving bands of masked thugs with the stated goal of kidnapping 20 million brown people to transport them to any country they can pay to take them. All this has been cleared by The Stolen Court.

This is not deportation.

This is ethnic cleansing.

On the Arsenio Hall Show, Macho Man Randy Savage had a GREAT answer to the question if he ever cried.

Happy Men's Mental Health Awareness Month.

Oh you’re an optimist? Name 50 high hopes

Leftover chicken tikka masala with yogurt harissa sauce, cucumber, tomato and rice.

Mixed my leftover with cucumbers, tomato, yogurt sauce and rice to stretch it 🤤

The house is on fire, but nobody is allowed to try to put the fire out until we figure out whose fault this is.

Ok so i just ate a handful of cold leftover tikka masala from the fridge. Soulmates? I think so

Had a chance to get 8 hours of sleep. I didn't, but I had a chance.