imagining Randy Fine just making out with the Western Wall, just slobbering all over it and sticking his tongue in the crevices

doing the softest launch of all time where I post a single strand of hair left on the kitchen table or a shadow of a pinky finger

Soft launching the murder I committed by sending several fingers to the police

we will never test our soaps and detergent on any extraterrestrial life if it arrives. And that’s a promise.

my room-mates are 20 fruit flies and i hate them. they're always sending me instagram reels that don't make any sense to me. the last one was just that tiktok voice saying "eat da yogurt" over and over

State Transport officials have announced that all bike lanes are to be formally reclassified as "scurryways". Requests for further detail are to be directed to "The Chittering".

pick me kitchen oil fire: I straight up hate water lol, you wouldn’t initially expect from looking at me but if you threw it on me I’d immediately extinguish 😱 haha

pick me YIMBY: I’m maybe the chillest suburbanite lmfao, I straight up wouldn’t care if you built a light rail that only transports used needles directly through my home like it’s Chongqing

Comrade Zohran Mamdani must immediately begin rounding up petite bourgeois, landlords, anarchists, and other counter-revolutionaries, and supply arms and material to the Liberation Forces dug into the forests of Vermont and Minnesota.

playing a game of would you rather and asking them if they’d rather be an uncle or an aunt

Pick me extremophile: yeah I fucking hate hypersaline environments, I actually grow best in 40° C and low radiation environments lol

crashing my car into the goodwill donation garage door and asking them if they want the whole thing

pick me minor deity: it’s chill that you forgot my spring festival and forgot to put offerings on my shrine… quality time and gift giving are my two lowest ranking love languages….

we used to have the golden standard…now we don’t even follow the golden rule

Centrifuge bachelor party was ruined because Eric gained 30 pounds since December

got promoted from court eunuch to court jester. They’re giving me my balls back 🥳

when I do bird impressions I’m doing it in a mocking way like when racist people imitate a foreign accent

wearing the brand Tapout is asking to lose a fight if you ask me

that one nonchalant polyglot on the Tower of Babel: hand me another brick brother

referring to every resident of my apartment building as my roommate

bloodletting? what are we letting the blood do?

I’ve been linking up with nature

you have to jailbreak it first to make it work

i wish i could go on roe rogans podcast tv show and convinve him to microwave a fork

the lion doesn’t concern himself with OSHA regulations

if I say Fuck enough times my mom lets me suck on the soap

thank you Joey, I appreciate it

Thank you! It’s all good she lived maybe the best lives of all time