Thanks my guy x

I feel like God might be givething to to the wrong people…. Same might go for takething away.

I watched a memorial link today for a kid who was my camper for years at summer camp. He committed suicide. 39 years old.

Check on your people 💔♥️

RIP my Robbie. You were an absolute legend.

If you've seen one collection of
failing and abandoned stores ....

You've seen a mall.

The five stages of grief but it's just me realizing I have to leave my house

I drank 4 IPA’s last night & danced around in my underwear in case Trump is hiring

Thought it was the weekend, and was confused when my alarm went off. Then I'm like, oh no, it's Tuesday. That was brutal.

Should be one bank for everything. Checking, savings, loans, blood, sperm, spank all under one roof

we need a Rapture for fake christians...a Crapture if you would

is somebody writing that down?

Indeed!

It’s peri-perimenopause when you’re feeling extra spicy.

😂

My mother LOVES AMontillado

Sadly no. All South African and a few Chileans

I have 646 bottles in the wine cellar. Thats it. Thats the skeet.

MAGA Who Only Look at My Bio: NY Times is lies & fake news!
Me: I write about my dog.
MAGA Who Only Look at My Bio: LIES!
Me: DOG!

Gonna blow up the world with my toxic femininity

Shaved legs and errthang

[gently waking my mom] I think I left my duelling glove at speed dating last night

At my age, the “everything” shower is just me transcending into the oracle, fully exfoliated.

Sent a stool sample in with my tax filing since they want to be all up in my shit

I’m really sorry, I never would have said those nasty horrible things about you in the group chat if I had known you were in there too

I call this move “the peniscolada”

~ me, getting caught in the rain.

Pope Leo today: "Blessed are the peacemakers."

"Woe to those who manipulate religion and the very name of God for their own military, economic and political gain, dragging that which is sacred into darkness and filth."

Person: So, how would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally, I guess.

Just did a line of collagen, if you’re looking for a party girl.

Driving with the bris running through your hair…

posting while bsky is down means fewer reply guys right?

Wife: we need to talk

Me: RATE LIMIT EXCEEDED

normalize excusing yourself from various situations by saying “i hate this”