WHO THE FUCK'S IDEA WAS IT TO LET THE HORSES PERFORM SURGERY AGAIN? THEY HAVE GOT HOOVES FOR HANDS. MAYBE MR. DUMPTY WOULD HAVE HAD A CHANCE IF WE'D HAVE CALLED A DOCTOR RATHER THAN FUCKING SEABISCUIT.
They said I’m a fine girl? Is that all they said about me?
-Brandy
Not to be dramatic, but my dog has a lil mushroom shaped nose w a round onion head & it’s just so fuckin cute sometimes it makes me wanna punch myself in the face till I spit out puddles of teeth. I can’t stand it!
you know what would be funny? if a weather person named mary said to “expect hail” & then the anchorman could wittily reply “hail, mary?” & then the other anchorman could look @ the camera & say “that’s what she said” & then i would say to myself “send post” & then
Spending the day with my daughter is the therapy my soul needs.
yes, i’ll post a shit one after a banger i contain multitudes, you idiot you stupid fucking idiot
You guys go on and keep reaching for the stars. I’ll just stay here and have an egg.
The difference between an IPA and a triple IPA is that the triple IPA contains three times as much cat pee.
Whenever I see those videos of Belgian Malinois’ being absolutely psychotic I think to myself how somewhere in my bloodline there was a Belgian Malinois & that’s prob why I have sucha great coat
New mom hires Amish woman as nanny & is shocked by what she does on day one of the job 🤔
is it build a barn, it’s build a barn isn’t it
Ovulating so hard that I’d fuck somebody even after they texted “your so beautiful”
referring to my male friends as my coven of incubi
The Cuckold Irony: You Say You Hate it But Your Browsing History Says Otherwise
evolvingyourman.com/the-cuckold-...
#cuckold #cuckoldhumiliation #cuckoldpsychology #cuckolded #modernmarriage #porninducedcuckold #modernmarriage
Every year when my team craps itself at the end of the season I swear no more, I'm done watching this, and yet here I sit once again, ever hopeful. Baseball, man...
you have a vegetable patch bfd i have a lidocaine patch we are not the same . ow owowowow. ow😩
austin weather radar. every fucking time.
As a former little league coach, the only advice I’d give to you moms and dads coaching your own teams is to let Andrew keep chewing on his glove out there in right field. It’s not hurting anyone and he doesn’t have much else to do. Also, use Three Stooges bits for steal signs
What happens in Aldi, stays in Aldi
Found this stainless steel frog in a pawn shop
My favorite bird that sounds like a guy just absolutely giving up after a long day trying to install new brake pads in his Ford Explorer is the frigate bird
me: my exercise teacher just said “make sure your torso is above your pelvis” duh where else would it be
picasso: uh,,,,
The steel guitar bridge in a Hank Williams song gives you time to think about what you’ve gone and done
Have reached that point in my life that just breathing pisses people off
Amma breathe anyway
Mad love
Is earwax meant to keep things from burrowing in or things from clawing their way out?
[tree buds in spring]
bud #1: hey bud
bud #2: hey buddy
bud #3: ‘sup, bud
bud #4: wassup my guys
bud #1: guys???
bud #4: sorry but c’mon it’s nothing to sneeze at
bud #1: what
The meaning of life is just 10 stops away bro
If there’s one thing I know in this crazy world is that if you casually mention a dog breed being banned or heavily restricted (aka basically banned) in various US states and some countries, a middle aged white lady is gonna appear outta nowhere passionately saying “it’s the owner not the breed”
Bluesky is group therapy
Not to get too ribald or anything but I think a lot about those exposed tenons on the top of the sarsen stones at Stonehenge
I miss my dog. He's in the other room