just reminded jimmy buffett died. that sucks, man

[chatting at my high school reunion]

yeah, so, you know, the perks are pretty amazing really. it's been really big for my family. pretty much every other purchase, i'm getting like $5 off my slop salad. yeah, you know, a lot people don't get it but ive found chopt rewards really is a sound choice

not really the point of this tweet but why does the virginia state flag go so incredibly hard???

i complete the mayor pete for president dance ten times every morning as exercise

I’m very scared of whatever Hyrox is. We are giving the CrossFit As Personality people an entirely new outlet for unnecessary aggression and relentless optimism.

after exhausting our finest pods, we have not saved america

i was twitter friendly with the person who did The Powerpoint on jack antonoff / lorde/ lena ... and man, i wish twitter were real to discuss The Recent Developments

trying to explain to a funny gen z tiktok influencer that they in no small part owe their lucrative career to a (not really) anonymous dude with a pixelated jack nicholson avi who never made a dime for jokes that also defined what humor on the internet is

listen, dude, if we've matured our psyops from that ABCDE-F-U slop to whatever 'trinidad' is, im fine with it

why are you laughing, you're making a mockery out of the man grate

i inherited an admiral brand sweater from my college soccer team that we never even wore. found them in a storage locker. pretty sure it’s from the early ‘00s. it’s unkillable. doesn’t stain or tear. no natural fabrics. gained and lost weight, still fits. made of asbestos prob. ill be buried in it.

no offense to influencers, aspiring or otherwise, but coachella seems like the worst time

scared to ask why all the football people are talking italians this morning. i assume big dom is involved

i wrote a version of this the last two years at mashable but if you're a true sicko trying to watch every single nfl game, it'll run you *at minimum* ~ $800 mashable.com/article/nfl-...

i picked up a piece of litter on the street and mayor zohran mamdani suddenly materialized and shook my hand. 'now here's a real new yorker' he said smiling, blinding me instantly

i'm a dog owner in new york and this behavior infuriates me. it's entitled, annoying, and completely inconsiderate. i adore my dog, he comes with us everywhere he's allowed. your non-service dog does not belong in grocery stores and restaurants. period. there's food! it's gross!

don’t ask me how this came to me but rodney carney was 6’7”

on the down side, i dont see how we can come back from this

on the plus side, im gonna get a little place. live off the fat of the land. and tend to the rabbits. look down there across the river. you can almost see it.

the fifa peace price winner?

ohhh you like the band GEESE, name three of their best honks then

STEVE NASH AND CHRIS PAUL, MUST SEE TV

i crashed bluesky by simply drafting a post — such is the power of my rhetoric

a great joy in life is seeing world class athletes struggle to do something athletic

hey sorry too busy 💪 creating 💪 shareholder 💪 value 💪 to perceive this wonder and reckon with the scale of my own trivialities and existence

writing a tv show called 'CONTENT' (could be read as CONtent or conTENT) aimed at Gen Zers who inexplicably romanticize 2010s NYC media life (i lived it, it was fine)

when someone calls it moynihan train hall

a dropping new knife has no handle

you know that guy at the bar who talks over everyone because they know what you're gonna say but they get it wrong every single time? that's the iphone's new autocorrect. brother, you are very wrong and very loud

Today is Trans Day of Visibility. Trans, non-binary, and gender-nonconforming people have always been here — from the hijra of India to the Diné nádleehi to the leaders who built the modern LGBTQIA+ movement here in New York. Your existence is not up for debate. Your lives are not a political issue. We're fighting for a city where every trans New Yorker can live openly, safely, and with joy.

i cant stop thinking about 'My Father Is A Lawyer University' immediately going with 'that should be a technical!!' over the celebration lmao