Good morning. The President of the United States was in the middle of the most serious child sex trafficking ring of the last quarter century.

He is referenced not a dozen times in the case files. Not 100 times. Not 1,000 times. He’s referenced 38,000 times.

I'm so done with being sick

Influenza- zero stars, would not recommend

I haven't left my apartment in 2 weeks. Riding public transit has reminded me why.

My life coach is Inspirobot

Live every day like it's your last: Screaming, crying, panicking, looking at everyone as if they might be your nemesis, changing your will.

I facepalmed so hard it left a dent

excuse me, that is my emotional support pile of various charging cables on the floor next to the bed

Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness?

Me: ...should I tell him that I don't know how to do inner monologue?

Interviewer: what

I chose my new running route for lots of reasons, it’s more scenic for a start and it’s much flatter than the old one too, but the biggest advantage is that there are a lot more public defibrillators installed along the way.

You learn something new every day.
It’s generally pretty horrifying.

"$100,000 to let a scab naturally fall off without picking at it. Are you up for the challenge?"

"Nope."

In three consecutive booths, three visually-similar women in turquoise tops sit across from three visually-similar women dressed in red.

On the third Tuesday of every month, all of the Barbaras get together at their local Panera to discuss Barbara-related matters.

If brains were black powder, Marjorie Taylor Greene couldn’t even blow her nose.

A tweet by Mike Sington (@MikeSington) that reads, "What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you be a leader and offer assistance and support?" Below it is a quoted tweet from Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) saying, "The fires are still raging in L.A. The incompetent pols have no idea how to put them out. Thousands of magnificent houses are gone, and many more will soon be lost. There is death all over the place. This is one of the worst catastrophes in the history of our Country. They just can’t put out the fires. What’s wrong with them?"

He can’t ever just be decent. It’s all political, cruel and transactional.

Why didn't they text you back? Potential reasons:
- No service
- Sudden, intense hatred
- Someone better texted them
- Volcano
- Phone died
- They died
- No reason at all
- That conversation never happened. It was all your mind

You'd think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

[inventing crickets] make them love bad jokes

Inspirobot is my life coach

Inspirobot is my life coach

So true.

what’s your favorite instance of haptic nostalgia—the poignant memory of the physicality of an obsolete thing—like dialing a rotary phone, shifting gears in a manual transmission, opening a soda can with a pull ring?

Cranking the handle on the pencil sharpener mounted to the wall in the front of the classroom. The smell of sawdust and graphite almost made me forget the anxiety of getting up in front of everyone.

I just saw a post on Facebook start with ‘Convicted Rapist Mark Zuckerberg….’ Let’s see how long this no fact checking lasts.

If I had a dime for every time I didn't win the lottery, I wouldn't need to win the lottery.
Also, if I had a dime, I'd be able to scratch off this ticket.

sign for Lake Disappointment

filled with the tears of your mother who’s never seen you wear that sweater she bought you even though you said you liked it

Who is gonna write this for real though

*laughs in ADHD*