sorry i’m late. i was trying to kms in the garage but my car turned off because i can’t afford to put enough gas in it to build up enough carbon monoxide to bind to my hemoglobin forming carboxyhemoglobin and halting production of ATP resulting in respiratory failure
“you handled that so well!”
no i didn’t. i cried in the supply room for 15 minutes straight and ate 3 crunchwrap supremes in the car on my way home
if your nurse wears this on date night, you’re gonna make it
Steve Bannon is channeling my favorite frequent flyer in triage by pissing himself in front of a room full of people and acting like it’s not happening
how bro looks at me when a patient threatens to leave AMA if they don’t get what they want
someone is pitching this in the Figs boardroom right now
Me: “what is your pain level from 0-10?”
My dementia patient:
even at work i'm reminded of
Byron Noem
Druski as Erika Kirk just looks like the patient’s wife that asks for the doctor every five minutes and says their daughter is a nurse (they’re a CNA)
microdosing hell by working triage for 12 hours
i bring an autistic vibe to work that my patients do not like
i’m gonna tell you a secret that health influencers don’t want you to know:
doctors don’t get paid to prescribe you drugs
government: you have to flush pharmaceuticals down the drain
also government:
me when i meet my commanding officer after getting drafted because i’m a healthcare provider
got a new prescription for anxiety today
i’m convinced that there are no more new bladder scanners. it’s just a worldwide network of stolen and redistributed bladder scanners.
the CIA is flooding hospitals with daisy awards
[complimenting my attending on his intubation]
your throat game is crazy bro
imagine launching a cyberattack on the US and all it does is give a bunch of ortho bros the day off to go hit the gym
Iran hacked Stryker and now my LIFEPAK defibrillator won’t shock lawyers
Stryker got hacked by Iran and now my patient’s beds try to drive them into the white house
your granny’s stryker knee replacements about to walk her ass into a persian restaurant for some ghormeh sabzi
are you alright babe? you didn’t say 100 when i gave you a pain scale from 0-10
commenting “AI slop” on my attending’s progress notes
first time i wasn’t jealous of nurses in california
trump has spent $10,000,000,000 on the war in iran and i just paid $29 to park at the hospital
idk if these new nurses are soft or if i’ve just been abused
the biggest difference between me and my psych patients is i know i’m mentally ill
every shift at work i think it can’t get any worse then i open my phone
“what’s your birthstone?”
renal calculus