Shared a copy of "My Heart Will Go On" on Napster in 2000 except it was not Celine Dion's version but me singing it badly without any instruments and also I changed all occurrences of "heart" to "fart".
In 2003 I had a 45 minute argument, including raised voices, with one of the staff at WH Smiths about some defective stationery my wife bought. It turns out she'd actually bought it at Office World. Still, no harm done and they replaced it no questions asked.
Every Friday night for the last 4 years I've secretly thrown an egg on top of my neighbour's roof. He went up to replace a tile yesterday and said the mess up their was unbelievable. There's no reason for this, I think I need help. Fesshole GOLD from 1st March 2021
Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
I'm a 58-year-old widowed dad of two kids and a golden retriever. My kids, youngest is 8, think I might have a bowel condition. Truth is I frequently say I need the toilet just so I can sit down and have five minutes' peace. Currently sitting on the toilet writing this.
One time, on an all inclusive holiday in Turkey, I shit myself in the pool. I apologised profusely while blaming my four year old son. He didn't know what was going on, but my girlfriend didn't speak to me for the final three days of the holiday.
I helped a guy in a wheelchair use a broken pedestrian crossing. He then asked me to push him to a nearby newsagents, where he asked me to pass him top shelf porn mags that he couldn't reach. I tried to do the right thing, but feel used tbh
Was interested in a girl in my class but was too shy to ask her out so I found out where she lived and shopped for groceries so I could arrange "accidental" meetings. Reorganised my schedule a lot for that. I stopped because she knew nothing about Star Trek.
When I tell girls I'm in a band: sexy. When they realise it's a brass band: less so apparently.
The staff at Sainsburys Waterloo station take forever to come over and approve my regular train tinnie purchases. One day I surreptitiously filmed one of the staff entering their login details to the system and now I enjoy logging in and approving my own alcohol purchases.
When I get a 2FA sent to my phone, I imagine that I'm saving the world from a disaster. I memorise the code and type it fast. I celebrate when I get it done in just a few seconds. Then I imagine spies watched the whole thing and were impressed and need me on their spy team.
I had kids around 30. My best friend had his around 40. He spent those 10 years having a great time, holidays etc. Used to rub it in as I was stuck at home. Now my kids are flocking the nest and he's knee deep in shitty nappies and soft play, . Not so funny now is it you cunt.
Is there anyone left who genuinely believes that Madelson's dodgy contacts list wasn't the whole point of making him ambassador? They thought it would give the UK an edge with Trump and that's all she wrote.
university is SUPPOSED to challenge your beliefs! unless of course your belief is that trans people are awful, in which case awwww poor ickle baby, did the nasty mean people exist near you, awwwww poor baby, here let me give you a book deal and a podcast so you can tell us how scared you were
A collapse of the AMOC, deemed likely by the turn of the century, wd make agriculture impossible in countries like the UK/Ireland - with polar winters but hotter summers than now, plus droughts - & other huge impacts globally. Won't happen overnight but huge existential risk must spur urgent action👇
I'm not a fan of the 'just keep going and you will succeed' advice. You can try your best, never give up, and still fail. There are no guarantees. The important thing is that if you *do* give up you'll never know either way.
Britain can’t defend itself alone
It never could
And the idea that it can now doesn’t survive even basic scrutiny
Simon Pease tells us more
eastangliabylines.co.uk/politics/def...
A parenting influencer is facing backlash after accidentally running over her toddler and using it for content Kelly Hopton-Jones posted photos from the hospital while her son received treatment
I’m sorry you did what now?
So Palantir are like Fascist fascists i see yeah maybe we shouldn’t integrate the nazi computer into the NHS
Extremely normal and fine for a company to put this in a public statement
A swan's arse in the air
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the river.
MechaHitler MD will help clear waiting lists on the NHS (dont ask how)
When I left my job at DPD I kept a load of 'Sorry We Missed You' cards, I occasionally post them through my arsehole neighbours letterbox to drive him mad thinking he's missed a delivery or forgotten he's ordered something Fesshole GOLD from 27th February 2021
Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
My neighbour hasn't secured their smart TV, so every now and then I'll cast some spectacularly hardcore porn onto it - sometimes I hear a scream from them. No regrets, they have a bloody yappy dog. Fesshole GOLD from 28th February 2021
Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Financial speculation is imposing a heavy price in this war www.taxresearch.org.uk/Blog/2026/04... How can we end the financial speculation which is exploiting war at cost to society?
I snitched on my neighbour for breaking lockdown rules just so that my 4 year old son could get to see a police car. He loves the police. Fesshole GOLD from 26th February 2021
Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Whenever my husband pisses me off, I give him the 'Shit fork ' to eat with. He mentions how much he hates it every time he gets it. We don't know where it came from but it just sits there in the cutlery drawer being shit.
I'm an on call site engineer, I was bored with nothing to do, so remotely shut down a customer's server so I could drive there and be the hero. Got cake and all sorts after for saving the day.
I know I have a filthy mind, but this looks worryingly like Jesus is giving Dr Donald a bit of a…helping hand here.
While it's autism awareness month, some thoughts on autism, cozy fantasy, and autistic cozy fantasy being an acquired taste.
Dear @labourpartyuk.bsky.social you may wish to fix this.