Headline: World’s biggest condom maker set to raise prices due to Iran war

oh great now where am I supposed to get my world’s biggest condoms

Yesterday while I cooked dinner, my son said, “One day Dad I’ll help with bills and groceries.”
I almost cried.
He’s 32….. ffs now get the fuck out of my house you ponce

Marty Feldman ain't got no body in Young Frankenstein

She's a 10 but she keeps referring to me as her "man on the inside."

Who named it a curtsey instead of a bow movement

text from my boss: 'where are u, meeting has started'

Me, remembering my therapists advice about positive framing: im enjoying some diarrhea

Scrapple. Dump all the black pepper you want on it, you're not fooling anybody.

Dammit, my refrigerator magnets have been pulling all the iron out of my food, no wonder I'm so fat

Looks like an early-90s TGIF spinoff that starred two of the kids from Step By Step, one of whom was definitely the nerdy kid with big glasses, after they moved to New York for college.

My Mom has the ability to recognize any actor from their most obscure roles, and every time she sees Tim Curry in something she says "That's Vincent Nuquay," a corrupt record executive he played on the 80s crime drama Wiseguy.

If you give a man a fish the two wolves inside of him will fight over it

Getting one barbed wire tattoo on my shoulder and another on my wrist and a successfully contained herd of cattle on my forearm

*Darth Vader running his helmet thru the dishwasher*

99 problems is not a small amount of problems to have. You should seek help

MASSEUSE: Where do you usually carry most of your tension?

ME: *handing her my phone* in there

*screaming into a pillow ASMR*

Happy April Fool’s Day (Orthodox)

The fact that Mamdani just seems like a cheerful normal guy who's policies are things like "we're going to tax second homes to fund pothole repairs" or whatever and yet this generates panicked responses like "This is basically Stalin's great purge turned up to eleven" is... telling. It tells things.

The collected wisdom of President Jesus, M.D.

Upside down cowgirl because we both agreed we wanted to try something new, Denise

All large public buildings should have phone rooms where people who just want to be on their phones can safely walk around in little circles and bump into each other like tadpoles in a bucket

My black dog Oscar.

I’m Oscar. I eat dandelions. Today I barked at a fly.

My generation loves to brag about drinking from a garden hose as if hundreds of us standing in line, taking turns slurping at the same school water fountains wasn't so much worse.

"I want to sell something that's free and literally falls down from the sky every day."

-inventor of the tanning bed

If you ever doubt the corrupting effects of capitalism, just remember the Monopoly guy finished 2nd in a beauty contest he had no business entering in the first place

Stacy, your mother and I are in love

Found footage movies. It's always seemed like such a lazy gimmick to me.

Need an app that automatically skips to the part of the song I know

ROMEO, BAKER M. @BakerMikeRomeo • 2h why would the pope care about your book Rod Dreher @roddreher • 1h Because it was widely denounced by Antonio Spadaro, SJ, and others as "anti-Francis" (which it's not, but that was the line in Civilta Cattolica, which Francis reads and has to approve before publication). And Francis's people called around Italy before my book tour asking... ROMEO, BAKER M. @BakerMikeRomeo Replying to @roddreher ok so here's the thing: he's the pope, right and you're explaining to a cartoon rabbit on the internet why you're important enough that the pope should know who you are

Since we’re all making fun of Rod Dreher, I think about this at least once a week

Vice City. Failed hundreds of missions just because I got distracted by the radio.