Roland in plain sight

You better start taking notes immediately before some documentarian shows up asking about your sister/brother/mother/coworker/teacher/boss/ex-lover/barber/mechanic/guyyouknewinhighschool20yearsago

My roommate saw me put more cheese onto a frozen pizza & it was like I unlocked something in him. I saw the wheels turning as he realized we don't have to settle for the default amount of cheese the pizza overlords offer us. What goes onto the frozen pizza is in our control. We have the power.

"Things might be tough but it's great for artists! They'll create more!" You might not believe me but going through a lifetime's worth of stress Every Single Week for years and years- is actually not the optimal set of circumstances that inspires artists to create

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind had it right

*during sex*

But did you ever say that stuff to anybody else before?

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

Never put off till tomorrow who you can put off today.

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

Nothing brings my family together quite like a weak WiFi signal.

Omg you guys my 25-year-old daughter just gave me her preliminary Christmas list and she is asking for 107 dolls what do I do?

heard my wife telling her friends that fire season comes earlier every year which is messed up cause her nickname for me is fire season

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

I wouldn't know where to start if someone presented me with a bag of dicks.

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

Goodbye, Elmo. You…”red”…communist piece of sh*t!

sorry i yelled crouching tiger hidden dragon when you fell down the stairs

"How was your weekend?"

Emotionally unstable. Yours?

"GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE" I yell as I bludgeon you to death with a baby

Oh, you go to the gym daily? That's nice. Sometimes I tell myself that stirring risotto makes for good arm muscles.

This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

Does this later-life crisis make me look younger?

Pasta arranged to form an image of Chewbacca.

“Excuse me, waiter?”
“Yes sir, is there a problem?”
“I asked for my pasta al dente.”
“Was it prepared incorrectly?”
“I’m afraid it’s a little Chewie.”

I just want to live in a world where I don’t have to say, “What the fuck is wrong with people?” every time I leave my house.

If you're mocking somebody without naming them and it's not me please add "Not you Jim." to your post. Thank you.

“Find someone who…”

Me: No.

a free range chicken is easy to spot cos of it's backpack & rugged little hiking boots

ME: wanna crack open a cold one

MEDICAL EXAMINER: absolutely not

"I felt very productive today."

"What did you do?"

"Do?"