Someone stole my friend's antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy!

Someone painted GNAB on my wall.
I said, "That's Bang out of order !"

Someone once sent me an apology, but in Morse Code.

I think it was Remorse Code.

Someone keeps pushing flower stems through my letter box.

I think I'm being stalked.

Some relationships are a bit like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
ﾋ

Some people just assume I'm thick. I told a guy my name over the phone today and he asked me if I could spell it.

Some people have a way with words. Others not have way.

Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy!

Some days, l have to take three or four baths to make the phone ring.

Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Bat Man.

So what if I can't spell Armageddon.
It's not the end of the world.

So no one turned up to the first meeting of my Sarcasm Club - despite loads of people saying how much they were looking forward to it.

So both you and I went to Iran and Iraq at the same time, eh?

Well, that's Iraniq.

Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning.

Sing along...

Similes...

What are they like!?

Self-deprecating humour is great.

I haven't laughed at myself so much in years!

Scarecrows.
They're outstanding, aren't they?

RIP, the world's most prolific Facebook user.

We'll never see his like again.

Researchers examining different blood groups have found Type Os make the most spelling mistakes.

Remember when the air compressor used to be free to use at petrol stations, but now they charge ﾣ1...

That's inflation for you.

Question: If water is H2O, what is ice?

Answer: H2O cubed.

Q: What kind of music do planets sing?

A: Neptunes!

Q: What do you call a messy hippo?

A. A hippopota-mess!

Prince once presented the Pope with a joke book.
He said he only wanted to see him laughing in his papal reign.

PoundStretchers are merging with Marks and Spencer.

The new company will be called Stretchmarks.

Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. But they had to let him go.

Photographers are very mean. First, they frame you, then they shoot you, then hang you on the wall.

But at least they develop you.

Perspire - that's how a steeplejack gets paid.

Perforated paper jokes are just tearable!