dang more like bill old’reilly

Asked my therapist if I could read his notes from our last session and it was just a drawing of my face with a line through it

perhaps we can exist in some fashion as coworkers, we’ll see

due to many recent developments, i am reconsidering my friendship with the computer

[me as a pilgrim]

mom: (outside bedroom door) you better not be in there eating the buckles off your hat and shoes

me: *mouthful of buckles*

[barry manilow voice]

cobra

cobra commanderrrrrrrr

why don’t cartons of detergent have pictures of missing socks on them

holy sh!t

maybe a tiger wearing a jean jacket?

the only thing cooler than a person wearing a jean jacket is a jean jacket wearing a jean jacket

“who built this gate” the man that built the gate could be heard saying

[me loudly as i go thru the fence gate i rebuilt last summer] dang that’s a sturdy gate

Tired: Stockholm syndrome
Wired: Hosteoporosis

oh my goodness very recent developments on this web site are making me so happy

may the four twenty be with you

day old ground pepper? get out of my face

a 16 oz can of Bush’s Boston Recipe Baked Beans rests on a kitchen countertop

the underside of the can now shown. the best by date show jun 2018

looking through the cupboard for a snack, i came across the can of baked beans i have been using in jokes for…

the last 8 years

what is that about

me: (casually) what is it with the influx of evil lately

leftists are my greatest adversary because they are destroying america destroying america or being rude to you online? being rude to me online

liberals on this microblogging website

i did a big time curse word

[negotiating with wife] one of us is going to have to eat 4 or 5 sandwiches in the next two days

for the first time in our lives, my wife and i actually used an entire pack of sandwich buns before giving up on them

i am very recently coming to terms with this also

me: but jesus, why at some points of my life were there only one set of footprints in the sand?

jesus: (wearing airpods) hey can you hang on a sec someone’s here talking to me

This. All of this. I must have seen clash 20x. I checked out dozens of xanth books as a kid, and blame them for developing many of the dad joke lobes that activated in my brain.

Add in copious neverending story rewatches and a copy of the star wars original trilogy on SLP VHS that i wore out

😂😂

a cat rests quite contentedly loaf style on the lower shelf of a narrow decorative wrought iron table. directly next to her (JoJo Deluxe, a longish haired tabby cat) is what appears to be a very comfy light blue cat bed that was put there a year ago and is regularly shunned for the comfort of cold manufactured wood product

no thanks i’m comfortable right here

guy who likes music YouTube video by Gabriel Gundacker

when i write something like this i guess i would classify it as obliviously, harmlessly confident and it always reminds me of this video youtu.be/n3QfRJsF9Pk?...

sorry for the spoiler but in every single one of the four john wick movies there has been at least one guy named john wick