mama always said life was like a box of condoms you never know what size you’re gonna get

hey banks stop offering me credit cards have you learned nothing

Therapist: and when a MAGA troll jumps onto your thread what do we say
Me: Your momma called she wants her panties back
Therapist: No

*me looking directly into imaginary camera:
I spend an alarming amount of time pretending I am on a reality television show

lots of speculating over something both simple and sad; the only thing lindsey graham has ever lusted for is blood.

And dick. Don't forget he likes dick.

It appears we share a reply guy. Lol this is so embarrassing. No I insist, you take him.

I'm an excellent driver
I can drive you crazy in 2.5 months or less

I would have drawn a penis on your locker.

If her name is Jennifer or Tammy, she’s going to be a fucking problem eventually

Saw some phallic symbols thought of you. <flirting>

My new year's resolution to stop making old people noises is NOT going well.

Still🔥

Like stealing candy from a camel

Glazed ring donut. Sticky.

Eye of Saurussy after a big weekend

When there's just not enough middle fingers for this week

Hear me out.. have we tried putting Trump in a pool with a shark and sinking boat about to electrocute him to see what happens?

we should be hibernating

A Christmas bukkake but it’s just me covered in icing sugar and sprinkles.

all i want for christmas is a forehead kiss, a fire breathing dragon, and cunnilingus

White Christmas is my favourite song about a bukkake.

Giving you the old Bluesky reach-around (reskeeting your alt & main).

Dreadful stands out for me because it was the first thing I saw him in

He was amazing in Penny Dreadful

What do people who post pay-walled news articles want us to do with them?

I'll take Gags...

Sends you an edible arrangement after we have sex

I'd like to be over or under yours...

Access to my energy is a privilege
Once you no longer feel it you’ll understand why