Everything You Read About Comedy Is Written For Someone Else If you search “how to start a career in standup comedy,” you’ll find a lot of advice.

itsdavidcalkins.substack.com/p/everything...

At 39 I've already achieved what most people only achieve at 38

Who else lied when they were a kid during show and tell?

One time I didn't have anything to bring so my "thing" was me saying I had 3000 dollars

How is sugar so bad for you when it tastes so sweet and nice, it's such a betrayal. It's like being poisoned by your grandma.

Anyone else grow up in Portland and therefore fail to establishing a baseline definition of weird?

Portland is a great place to find work as a blacksmith or an apothecary or any other adventure game NPC

Those D.A.R.E. officers grossly underestimated how much of a square I would be in high school

Getting disability insurance in the U.S. shouldn't take longer than sending a NASA rover to Mars

I know measles is a serious disease but they gave it way too cute of a name

How far down White House ladder do you have to be for your job to be the guy who changes the dimes

I have ADHD, which means I’ll probably be late to your thing. Not always, but usually.

If that’s a dealbreaker than I’m okay with that.

What kind of sick twisted fuck came up with scratchy tags on shirts

Looks like everyone knows what a tariff is now.

Sometimes I forget to drink water for a whole day but it works out because I conserve water by forgetting to pee.

You do deserve it!

hi!

Donald always looks like he had a stroke on both sides of his face.

It’s the Gulf of America?

So I guess Mexico now has to be called America.

Wait but now nothing is Mexico.

All good. Former America can be called Mexico.

Shit but now it’s their gulf again.

No problem, we’ll just call it the Gulf of Mexico wait fuck.

I'm staying on RedNote.

I'm so in. Gotta include the new season too though!

Straight women I love you but as a bi man you’re confusing af. You want your date with to be well groomed and wear clothes that fit but the second we color coordinate, your gadar won’t shut off.

What’s the actual difference between billiards and pool again? Is pool what the peasants play?

ugh it’s just a never ending sea of everyone talking at once what the hell are we even doing

I didn’t even know Facebook had facts.

Why can’t the news just say things normal instead of making people feel dumb? Just talk to me at my level.

Don’t say, “GPD could drop as much as 9%.” Say “We’re gonna make less shit and that’s bad.”

ADHD is not being able to hear your own thoughts over the sound of your own thoughts.

#adhd #funny #comedy

Finally. This what I've been telling people for years.

MAGA vs. Elon, Day 2 "Elon Musk is more dangerous than George Soros."

The implosion happening on X is so loud they can’t even hear me shouting ‘I told you so!!!”

I can’t be the only one on this platform who absolutely loves content, I’m crazy for the stuff!

Pretty soon the only users on X will be Russian bots and die hard Elon fans who are obviously Elon.