You’ll survive but you’ll be funnier in ways that worries people

came down to the wire tonight but we were able to figure out what’s for dinner again

*at the aquarium

Hi, where do you keep the Snorks?

Magamera!

I’m sorry.

A framed yellow door sits at the end of a path between two rows of hedges. Behind the door is an open meadow.

Exhausted and dehydrated, I slowly walk the last few steps. “This has to be it,” I think to myself. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and turn the handle, whispering a little prayer as I step through. I open my eyes and the last trickle of hope leaks away. I am still in IKEA.

The parlance as I understand it is more “a dog got you” :).

I can’t remember seeing a dog that looked as sweet as she does; congratulations to both of you.

So, immediately look for more wood and a long tool to use for adjusting air flow?

Once again, the problem is me.

Terrible I’m sorry ♥️♥️

Wait is this a hump joke because if so, well played.

Me to Candy Cane Hershey’s Kisses, every January: I’ll never let go

Candy Cane Hersheys Kisses: “thank you but you see how this deal is somewhat one sided right”

a woman singing shine your heavenly body tonight is shown Alt: a woman singing shine your heavenly body tonight is shown

just call me midonna

This kid breaks my heart and heals it in equal measure.

Suddenly and without warning, the silent holiday skeet challenge was over.

All the best things are

Googled my symptoms and it turns out I’ve been dead for 3000 years

God: I’m gonna give them eyelashes to keep stuff from getting in their eyes

Angel: great idea, where do the eyelashes go when they fall out?

God: ok you’re gonna laugh

How is she making that shark levitate can she be on Kimmel?

Rebootr

what’s everyone wearing to toyotathon this year?

All my recipes are for disaster.

dog: woof

me: as I suspected

dog: woof

me: thank you for clarifying

But um they did get the moose out? If this simile persists I may lose hope.

Listen sweet arms don’t sweet arms themselves you gotta work

I’m bringing the Kraft Singles again Kay

why is Bill Belichick still working doesn't he have a wife to raise

I honestly love that in the utter dumpster fire of civilization we’re currently enduring “Bill Belichick” is still the top trending thing on here