[Partway through Band Of Brothers episode]

FRIEND: Isn’t this show amazing?

ME: *disappointed, in my Hanson t-shirt* yeah it’s cool I guess

*watching my a.i. robot dog using its wifi to steal a passerby’s personal information*
haha, it’s okay, he’s friendly.

you don't see husbands realizing they forgot their anniversary and searching for a gift and seeing the necklace their wife wanted in a window for $50 and pulling out an empty wallet and moths flying out and then seeing a poster that says "BOXING MATCH FIRST PRIZE $50" and saying "hmmm" much anymore

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

If mistakes were truly opportunities for growth I would be 2 miles tall by now.

Great. Now the two pedo cartels are fighting.

A cat’s front half is in a toilet. Its haunches and tail resembling an elephant’s head.

not sure if this is a cat going into a toilet or an elephant coming out

Two cats in front of a stone staircase appear to be hugging and kissing. Halfway up the staircase, three cats look on, as do four more at the top.

when two of your friends start hooking up and the rest of you know it’ll end in disaster

THEN: this tweet is dumb as hell but whatevs *send*

NOW: well this joke is probably a felony *delete*

Oh look, my get-under-the-desk-in-case-of-nuclear-strike pants still fit from high school

People keep clamoring about the solution being the 25th amendment and I feel like they started at the wrong end of the list

The difference between cucumbers and pickles is jarring.

Desert road sign with a silhouette of a cow with a seemingly added parachute.

not gonna do it
not gonna do it
not gonna do it

*looks up*

Two birds called a tit that are also offset like Bryon Noem’s tits

Bryon Noem like:

Coop from Interstellar piloting a spaceship and saying "This little maneuver is gonna cost us 51 years"

your grandparents voting for reagan

You can make fun of Kash Patel’s eyes but those bad boys can take one look at a school and tell you exactly where 500 yards away is.

At a press briefing the president pours water on the top of an office globe. It runs down over the whole thing and he says that’s how we’re putting out fires now. I speak up to say that’s not how it works and he calls me Climate Carl. Everyone laughs. I’m completely discredited.

It’s only a coup d'état if it comes from the Coup d'état region of France. Otherwise it’s just sparkling fascism.

I bet mama cows love when their pasture is on a hillside because it’s good for their calves

Me: Ma’am, I’d like to say a few words

Widow: please do

Me: chocolate lava cake

Widow: thanks, that’s very sweet

Me: In Ancient Rome, urine was extracted from public bathhouses and used as mouthwash

Anesthesia: how are you still awake

Welcome to this meeting of Celebrity Impersonators Anonymous. Please have a seat. There’s plenty of Chers.

If I ever had a DNA editing robot I’d probably name it Gene Hackman as a little joke.

Democrats in 50 years: “guys, President FaceEatingCheetah3000 is obviously joking. The billionaire robot maker overlords said they programmed in safeguards”

every day I wake up in a country that named the illegal war it started by blowing up a school full of little girls 'Operation Epic Fury' and I hate it

Sign on public storage building with lights burnt out in several letters, leaving “Public rage.”

I don’t think it will all fit in there.

I asked what Occam’s Razor means and his explanation was way too simple so that’s not it

Leopard: Rawwwr

Snow leopard: A licky boom boom down

Public figures don’t have to die in groups of three. He’ll count as all three.

Burning a flag will never be as offensive as draping it over his coffin will be.