do u guys think that when a clown uses a bidet their nose lights up

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

Slightly in love with this Alfa Romeo 75 fire safety car on standby at Verano circuit.

Just 9,000km from new – although almost all of them driven on-track…

Saying "that's preposterous" and "such insolence" in the all-hands meeting when I hear that the team has not been consistently hitting all KPIs

My cousin Shawn took weed to impress a girl when we were teenagers and his asshole & penis switched places. All the doctors at the (real) Pitt threw up when they saw it. Be my guest and Get “high” if you want this to happen to you

The edible gravel in my neighbor's driveway tastes awful. He keeps telling me "stop eating that, it's not edible". What kind of edible gravel isn't edible?

Got some new Never Need the Toilet t-shirts printed
www.spellingmistakescostlives.com/product-page...

The Cost of Loving I love you more than life itself but I swear I’ll love you better if you let me turn the heating off and you wear another sweater. I cannot get enough of you – I’m completely in your thrall. I love to watch you bending over to unplug the telly at the wall. Yes, you’re the only one for me, my sweet and fragrant flower – now you’ve ditched your daily bath for a cost-efficient shower. Make no mistake, I love you loads, you send my head into a spin. Our cycle’s set to eco-wash: let’s cram as much as we can in. My cup of love’s full to the brim, it overflows, my petal. So make yourself a brew with me, but don’t overfill the kettle.

Today’s poem is called ‘The Cost of Loving’.

Brass snail

Brass snail mesuring tape

The best thing ive ever found in a garadge sale, a snail that is also a mesuring tape

The piss tank on the ISS is now 69% full.

I have never felt more calm abt Manchester United’s manager since the departure of SAF. He has won 8 out 12; beating City, Gunners & Blues - restoring the pride in that badge.

We are once again excite for match days rather than dreading them. Carrick deserves our respect and reverence. (1/3) #mufc

Exploring the ever-changing narrative at Manchester United Victory in London ensured that Manchester United would make the long trip north with a cushion in the race for Champions League football.

With respect to the preservation of fantasy and social debate, we don’t live in a world of what-ifs. This is a results business, and Carrick is pretty damn good at achieving the desired outcomes.

Read in full 👇🏻

#MUFC

Just writing out my shopping list and I've added "shit plastic cheese", which I think was by Radiohead

The piss tank on the ISS is now 69% full.

girl are you a coder at bluesky.com? because you're sitting in a big pile of your own slop and screaming at everyone it's very normal actually.

We’ve won at Anfield, The Emirates and Stamford Bridge in the same season 🤩 #MUFC 🇾🇪

a cartoon says i like the cut of your jib in front of a microphone ALT: a cartoon says i like the cut of your jib in front of a microphone

our first win at the Emirates since 2017 and first at Stamford Bridge since 2020.

this Michael Carrick fella...

#MUFC #MUWomen #GGMU

05:00 S11E04 Treehouse of Horror X (BABF01) 31 October 1999

I got that weird feeling you get sometimes when you feel kind of happy and stress free and you’re aware that all of your problems are still there to one side but it’s like nah fuck it. Oh god it’s being mildly drunk isn’t it?

HEY IT'S ME YOUR DRY SKIN I DEMAND YOU SLAKE MY NEVERQUENCHING THIRST. I SCRAPE. I RASP. GO TO YOUR KNEES AND MOISTURISE THEIR SHRIVELLED CAPS. I AM THE ONE THAT KEEPS YOU TOGETHER. I AM THE ONE THAT HOLDS YOU IN. I AM THE TIGHT BALLOON AND THE SQUEAKY FINGER. ARE YOU SLOUGH ENOUGH? HELL YES I'M SLOUGH ENOUGH. DEMANDED BY SKIN

My notes folder? No, no, it's normal.

learning things trains you to learn things, solving problems trains you to solve problems. those aren't things you learn once, they are skills you maintain all your life. they build persistence, self-discipline, and confidence. things the ruling class do not want you, their chosen enemy, to have.

Greetings and good morning it’s the Friday farm rush hour with our forever friends

And the woman did speak unto the hound, saying, What do you mean, normal men, and the hound answered the woman, saying, We are just innocent men. And great was her emotion

AFTER much research I recently discovered that at 48, I am the same age now as Nelson Mandela was when he was my age. Similarly, Prince Harry, 32, is the same age now as I was when I was his age. I wonder, do any of your other readers have age-based celebrity links? Dr Trousers, Rickmansworth

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz354bs

It’s a picture of my book.

It’s publication day for ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’.

It’s a book, by me.

It contains some poems.

You can get it in bookshops.

Err, that’s it.

*end of promotional post*

Marvel Super Special 28 (1310)

Comic. One... two... THREE! [text in red] X Deprecated [line break] One... two... three... GO! [text in red] Deprecated [red curly bracket around top two lines] Too easy to mix up [line break] Three... two... one... GO! [text in green] [check mark] ISO Standard [caption] If I were in charge of ISO, the first thing I’d do would be to standardize the way people count out loud before doing something in sync.

Countdown Standard

xkcd.com/3232/

The Kool Aid man spills red out of his pitcher while proclaiming “ as Enki, old GOS OF sumer, the seed spilled from my loins formed the river that gave life to ancient Mesopotamia. Now, born anew, I give this gift again to usher in a new age of refreshment. Drink to your fill. Kool-Aid is my cum, if that wasn’t clear.”

Kool Aid Man