Three bean ché is one of my favorite desserts which confuses some people that I just want three kinds of beans over ice as a treat.

As if a vanilla mocha isn’t just three bean water.

No one talks about the most difficult part of trying to lift someone small and fuck them which is staying hard while your blood is pumping to your biceps. Hydraulic boners are honestly a flawed system

Catfishing is lame until you view it as the modern equivalent of being a Siren

Going to an Indian restaurant and asking for a ‘chai tea’ just to feel something

About 1 in every 8192 people’s very first starter Pokemon was a shiny.

Sonic the hedgehog’s personality being based on Bill Clinton is one of the only times I’ve legitimately felt the need to fact check Wikipedia

Bark no homo

When you rip your jeans they get more holes, but when you rip fishnets they get less holes

Can I give a dog body dysmorphia by putting them in VR as a jacked furry?

You know how gay people often end up dating people that look like them? Well if you want to find yours a fast easy way is going on your barber’s instagram and looking through their followers and flirting with them.

Crazy how Tentacles can fit into every fantasy genre.

Instead of hearing protection I’ve starting opening a settings menu in my head and turning down the master volume slider as a placebo

If I put activated charcoal into holy water will it become normal water?

I could be your next skincare routine

Waking up as a giant insect nowadays just doesn’t hit like it used to back in 1915. “oh no I hope I am not neglected by society in my new grotesque bo-.” Yeah shut up and get in the fake taxi.

They really need to invent more deadly sins, I tried them all already

I ate the Reaper from Dave’s hot after Steamworks before realizing I couldn’t drink milk without it interfering with my Doxypep.

Do I drink the milk? Do I choose burning when I poo or do I choose burning when I pee?

How do I tip a circumcised guy at the strip club? Like where do I tuck the dollar bills

god you’re so mentally ill *starts fondling your balls*

Hemorrhoids are like the clitoris of the bussy if the clitoris got Botox

We should be friends!

My type I’m afraid

I’m going to dethrone coffee mate as America’s #1 creamer

Gonna start one of those dine-in movies where they serve you the food in the movie as it comes on screen, but it’s porn and you get to lick the actors.

may I offer you some extra toe hair in these trying times

Call me the US Patriot Act the way your Bush has got me putting on a show at TSA

Getting caged is like the opposite of getting fixed.

“A Bear?”

Me: puts on my baseball cap, cumming instantly

“Kugel the Bear!”

I found a new lighting hack. Body dysmorphia cancelled

Call me Moses the way I’m fixated on your hot bush