Me: Hey, where’s my file?
OneDrive: In the cloud for immediate access from any device!
Me: I’m looking now and can’t find it. Where is it?
OneDrive: Your file is available on desktop, mobile, tablet, smart TV, and refrigerator display.
Me: <bashes head against keyboard>
Every time I report one of these as spam the loan amount goes up by $6,000.
Same. Thought I was having a stroke when I read it back to myself.
Humpty Dumpty was wallmaxxing when he got gravitymogged.
She needs a spotter
Bad Bunny’s birthday is March 10th.
Checking my wife’s calendar and found she added a new event for March 10th.
My wife got mad this morning because I wasn’t paying attention to the reels she was showing me.
I was still watching the reels she texted me.
Remember to blindfold your car before the snowstorm so it doesn’t get scared.
Easy way to remember:
The reign in Spain ended with the king in twain.
To rein in Spain they won the crowd with grain.
Ever just be walking and your knee forgets how to knee?
Mine just did.
Now I have a limp with no origin story.
Glorious.
Just dropped a new coastal horror story.
When the tide goes out too far, something else comes in.
Read now:
Just dropped a new post-apocalyptic short story: A guy hell-bent on keeping his morning commute intact as society crumbles around him.
Dark, funny, and uncomfortably relatable if you’ve ever clung to routine to cope with chaos.
Still Here - read for free below.
The Apocalypse Will Be Banalized.
Mama, just killed a man.
Kids: you need to stop texting visual puns, they’re not funny.
Me: Oh yeah? Well, this graph says otherwise:
You misheard me. I didn’t say there is a lot of money to be made from writing. I said there is a lot of money to be made from writers.
And you can too, if you sign up for my six week Masterclass on…
Batting cleanup on today’s writing playlist:
🚨 I ghosted my Substack for a year. Now I’m back with weekly horror/sci-fi shorts. No cigarettes, just nightmares.
First drop: Tuesday.
(P.S. Ever wondered if you can milk a pigeon? Click below, then subscribe.) 🐦💀
Aggressive virus infected monkeys weren’t on my bingo card for this year, but that’s on me.
AARP should change its name to AAOPWWNRAWUTAD
It's easy to forget, but some days you just have to remind yourself that you have survived every bad day you've had in your life, which means you're undefeated.
