Imagining Chewbacca goes on a late night talk show and enters to "who let the dogs out." It causes major controversy because it's highly offensive to wookies and Jimmy Fallon had to issue a public apology + donate $100k to a charity rebuilding wookie-language schools after the Clone Wars

Consider: you can eat them as they cook, as a little treat

Practicing my gaslighting skills by telling my dog he couldn't have seen a squirrel, they don't exist and he's making it up as an excuse to get excited

If you're good I'll give you a submarine themed blowjob. No, you aren't allowed to know what that means beforehand.

Nature is healing ❤️

Just gonna wear this cool amulet I found, and will be ignoring the fact that it whispers to me and makes my eyes glow red

Gushers had those bright yellow packages in the same way some insects and frogs have bright coloring to tell predators not to eat them

I'm getting ads for Fogo de Chao now? Google, please, you have my banking information. I should be getting ads for the dollar tree down the street

Oh you gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss? Well the people around me call the things I say unhinged, uncalled for and unacceptable

Bro, Norglef the great Devourer isn't going to fuck you, stop chanting unholy summoning rituals. You're just embarrassing yourself

Boy I sure hate the thought of dying from radiation poisoning. But I'm glad I can put the idea of such a horrible fate out of my mind while I enjoy my tasty treat of 10,000,000 bananas at once

The biggest problem with the cost of living crisis is I don't want to live in the first place :/

Started sending my former coworker tiktoks of how-to guides for industrial sabotage. Same day, my company's IT says they need to remote into my computer because it's got some suspicious traffic.

I'm on a list, aren't I....

Is, uh, is beer supposed to be that color?

Elon Musk's ideal Twitter experience

Oh boy, just fucked around! I can't wait to find out!

Sad that Oppenheimer didn't live long enough to see the invention of the bath bomb 😔