Done!

Still awake? If you say yes, I'll take a shot. Promise

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you're a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

"Tonight is gonna be hot, baby' I say as I light my hair on fire.

live in the living room
die in the dining room

My favorite part of these expensive air fresheners that you plug in and they last for 60 days is how they stop smelling after 2.

Gonna be a wild birthday weekend

I'll never forget my dad's last words: "It's way past Halloween. Why's this caution tape still on the elevator?"

Halloween may be over but there's still a skeleton inside of you.

The vodka is strong. I am officially no longer responsible for my actions or something

@bossvnova.bsky.social I can't even explain how insanely huge The Matrix was when it released. The reveal in the theater was legendary. But today's standards it does start out a bit goofy, but it certainly holds up overall. So glad you appreciated it.

It's depressing to think that I've already been mad or stressed out enough to develop any dormant super powers I may have hundreds of times already.

How historically accurate is Oppenheimer in regards to how high up he wore his pants?

The fact that Fall Out Boy did a Jungle Book song cover and aren't in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a travesty.

I just saw the new Indiana Jones movie. At one point they say he's wanted for murder. They just end the movie without ever addressing it again.

Dog 911: what's ur emergency?

Dog: MY HUMAN WENT TO WORK

Dog 911: so?

Dog: WHAT IF THIS TIME HE DOESN'T COME BACK

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

DAD: You like Corvettes, right?

SON: Ya!

DAD: Go look in the driveway.

SON: OMG

[driveway is empty]

DAD: Nobody cares what you like.