Dublin is lovely on a Saturday morning, when everyone is still hungover

[Second day as a Kamikaze pilot]

Boss: Can I see you in my office for a second, Bryn?

Me: *thinking to myself after someone wrongs me* You made an inconsequential and powerless enemy today my friend

not impressed with jack o lantern carving skills unless you're using your teeth

A Pitchfork review for One Battle After Another that call it a “nerve-wracking masterpiece”, written by one Paul A. Thompson

Nice try, “Paul A. Thompson”

Is belife the only thing that gets beggared?

I hope to see trains in the wild someday. No tracks, no stations, just wide open pastures as nature intended

I think I missed my true calling as an unnamed tramp in a Charles Dickens novel.

WARDEN: and for your last meal?

ME: everlasting gobstopper

WARDEN: son of a

Checking out rental options in my area and suddenly realising my roomates really aren't that bad

editor’s note: you forgot to tell them the change you wanted to see in the world was supposed to be good

ravers in boston be like pull up to o’brien’s pub 🔥🔥

And the most incestuous-sounding name for a gourd goes to...pumpkin.

I get my steps in by going back to get what I forgot and forgetting what I forgot again.

I should get nice and close to this onion, in order to best appreciate my chopping abilities

they’re normalizing me tomorrow

When your therapist asks you how you feel and then hits you with a "that's not a feeling." Like, I didn't realise I was getting graded on this thing

Once bitten, twice as likely to become a zombie.

They say you should eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly, but that's actually a conspiracy by Big Wellbeing to keep you healthy

Very hyped about what sounds like a rat in my walls, big developments to come I hope

This has unlocked a whole trove of memories in me omg

Guy who is just now getting into Angry Birds

war is a lot like those mario levels where there are a ton of bullet bills but the bullets are way faster, some other stuff is different as well

Read a book from cover to cover. Just the covers though.

Does it count if you are touching grass with one hand and scrolling with the other.

Scrolling though Tiktok looking for funny things to show my boyfriend is the closest I will ever come to hunting

Switching from rap to cozy folk songs as soon as the autumn weather hits

ⓘ 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘻𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘈𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘢. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳.