Kash Patel? More like Cash Patel…because he’s suing people. And send.

More like the gate of hormuz. Because it keeps opening and closing…like a gate. And send.

In a toxic relationship with my banking app.

yes, i’ll post a shit one after a banger i contain multitudes, you idiot you stupid fucking idiot

i’m a cowboy on a steel horse i ride, your honor

formal request to all of the companies and establishments that are currently sending me bills: stop it

siri how long does a toilet have to train to be a good runner

Writing “made with real potatoes“ on your bag of potato chips raises more questions than it answers

Dude, Where’s Kash Patel?

I tried non-alcoholic beer. It didn’t work.

Against my nana’s better judgment, I will debate religion and politics with you. But I will refrain from bringing up that most taboo of subjects: jazz

my mom: i don’t like your bf. he doesn’t bring anything to the table

our waiter, who is my bf: what

The vending machine has been disgorging buckets of blood & anguished screams for weeks but I still put 2 dollars in it & pushed the button for Baby Ruth

alexander graham bell eying the girl across the bar then slipping her a piece of paper with “1” written on it: call me :)

plants should be able to suck oxygen back from people they don’t like

[inventor of spaghettios on their death bed] they were always... (labored breathing) ...spaghetti zeros

I have one individual eyebrow hair that got totally jacked overnight.

Trump in a church: *wondering why there’s a statue of a doctor hanging above the altar*

thinking about wearing a snorkel and a pool float that looks like a big yellow duck to my next interview i really wanna be a memorable candidate

Doctor: how are you doing today?

Me: that’s your mission

going to burgle a bunch of ham tonight just to see what they call me on the news tomorrow

In Poland, pole dancing is just called dancing.

Things are escalating. Tensions are high. The dove’s nest in the backyard now has two eggs in it

Disney is laying off a thousand employees this week.

Remember, the unemployment line is the most magical place on earth.

I’m not a dad, but at my age all my dad instincts have kicked in.

I have to greet people with “THERE HE IS!”

I’m not a dad, but at my age all my dad instincts have kicked in.

I can’t just read the forecast, I have to watch the radar.

Porn has gotten weird with all the step-siblings stuff.

Today’s top trending search on pornhub was DoorDash grandma.

millennials will never understand the delicious taste of lead

it must be nice being able to blame your horrible personality on an astrological sign

hey space scientists: if you build the ship in a boomerang shape, you never have to worry about fuel for the return trip. just trying to help