guess who's back up to 98 LMAO what a fucking joke

i'm proud of myself. i'm impressed that i've made it this low. maybe i'm starting to believe that i actually have an ed. it never felt real and still feels like i'm just making this shit up and it's not that bad. but wanting to be in the 80s is a brand new feeling for me! my th1nsp0 is smaller too.

it's been so hard getting this close though, and i can already feel myself thinking that staying in the 90s isn't enough. it's kind of neat to see how the mind changes because of this disorder. last year the thought of being in the 80s wasn't appealing. now i feel like 85 should be my ugw.

increased protein has been doing me good, but i'm still losing my breath while i speak. but i hit my next gw yesterday and am 4.3lbs from my ugw! ik i just said i promised myself that i'd start recovery once i hit it, but i think i might need to go lower to feel comfortable gaining muscle weight

and certainly not anytime soon. i will plan for recovery when i reach 90lbs and maintain it for a few days. that's my promise to myself.

i'm eating, kind of a lot. made a big protein shake. having toast. gonna have a protein bar and some hummus + veggie chips later. big thing of vegetables and sweet potato in the evening. i don't want to die. but i will get to 90lbs. i will build muscle. i will recover, just on my own terms.

i'm okay. i'm just paranoid. i think i'm just depressed and anxious. maybe i'm going to have a panic attack soon or something. i almost did like a month ago, and i had trouble breathing then too, i think. i can't remember

when do i believe that it's bad enough. when do i understand that i'm not faking it. i'm tired. i don't want to eat but i do so so so badly but i don't. i do but i don't. i don't know what to do

i wasted so much of my life doing nothing because all i wanted to do was die and now that i'm starting to actually experience and enjoy life i'm worried i'm killing myself. i don't know what to do. knowing me, i'll probably do nothing. i think i'm going to eat a little. some protein for my heart

i don't want to die. i just want to look the way i do in my head. i want to be small and happy. i want a shot at being happy and building my body to look the way i've always wanted. i want to be under 100lbs forever, preferably 95lbs. i don't want to die though, not right now

this is so stupid because i'm not even that skinny for my height. my stomach is still soft. my upper arms are smaller but not skinny. but the other day i lifted them up and they looked skeletal and it scared me. none of this feels serious though. i'm not sick enough

i don't know if i should eat right now. i'm scared my heart is failing. but i don't have any sort of medical knowledge. i don't actually know what's going on and i just want to ignore it. maybe i'm being paranoid. maybe my body is begging me to recover. i don't know. i just need to hit 90lbs.

maybe i am just anxious. i've been sad again recently. i'm always sad, but just more. i miss my dog, i miss my tia, i regret not spending more time with both. adulthood has it's stressors. my job annoys me sometimes. i am a bad friend and a worse girlfriend. i'm just mentally not doing well

i'm too scared to go to the doctor though. i don't want to recover. i want to keep losing. but i don't want to die. but i want to be small. but it's embarrassing how weak i am. idk. i'm not sure if it's too late for harm reduction.

i just want to be small. i want to be physically small. i want to take up no space and be cute and petite and only take up space with my personality, my intellect, my confidence. but i have none of those things anyway. i just mask and restrict. and now i'm struggling to breathe.

i want a physically smaller body still and am open to start working out and building muscle but i want to stay under 100lbs forever. i am so obsessed with staying in the double digits. i still want to hit 90 and gain just 5 lbs of muscle

i've been thinking about recovery lately because i am so physically weak and feel so genuinely stupid. but the biggest issue i've had is that--and this is just real fucking cruel and oh so funny--i think my legs look too skinny lol. they don't look good. but i carry my weight everywhere else.

why can't i finish a sentence without losing my breath. why does air feel like it gets trapped in my throat.

can't tell if i'm just anxious or this tight feeling in my chest + shortness of breath for the past few days is because i've been slowly killing myself for years

will write a more in depth thing later but i'm going to bed for now. been losing air mid-sentence recently. kinda worried i'm affecting my heart

things are weird in my body

one month without my baby. got him fresh flowers today. 🤍 everything hurts and i miss him with my whole heart. still don't understand why things had to go the way they did. still wondering if we made the right decision. still the love of my life.

i looove gh0st-types sm 🤍🤍🤍 gh0st, drag0n, f4iry, dark, and poison are my faves!

a cartoon character is standing on a tiled floor in a room ALT: a cartoon character is standing on a tiled floor in a room

happy p0k3m0n day!! who's your fave? mine is m1m1kyu!

I'm full of so much doubt bc I work in a cr3ative field as a gr4phic designer and have some pretty big name brands and am always SO scared that I'm fucking up royally but I guess this is imp0ster syndr0me??

My boss is incredible idk what I did to deserve this job, but I'm just gonna be grateful 😭

My boss gave me an $8 raise today and I almost burst into tears 😭 I didn't even get a chance to ask for the $3 I was initially going to, he just said I was such an asset and going above and beyond even though I'm going through a terrible time rn (but he also told me to pls take a mental health day)

was looking at mealsp0 and th1nsp0 on p1nterest again though and i wanna lock in so baaad. my bones poked out so much more when i was eating less, even at higher w8s. i also miss the community here and on p4ncake

all this grief has me eating so much and moving so little. i wish i was an emotional starver

had to write a love letter to dogs for a v-day project for a client and tomorrow, valentine's day, marks two weeks since i lost my baby. was too mentally exhausted to make it perfect, even though i wanted it to be. i don't want to write something heartfelt just to sell shit at the end anyway