Love the shanking of Matt Gaetz by GOP haters after his nomination for AG.

Step 1: assure him that only way to avoid disclosure of House ethics report is to resign, thus evading jurisdiction.

Step 2: then shank in back with, "not enough votes, sorry"

Step 3: Thank you for your service, c-ya.

Oh fuck yeah, the DB jinn have heard my challenge. The train just slammed on its brakes in the middle of nowhere and went dead silent, followed by the announcement that we've experienced "a technical malfunction" but hopefully we'll be on our way in "a few minutes."

To which I say, I TAKE UP THE CALL TO ADVENTURE. I gladly ride the great sand worm we call the ICE. Fear is the mind-killer.

I hear you saying, "But Kimo, don't mock the malevolent jinn that possess the DB infrastructure. Surely they'll spill mayonnaise in the gyroscope of your train and you'll spend the night in a field in Baden-Württemberg where even the Edge network dares not enter."

Two thousand stranded travelers pile on at the next station, challenging my plan to sit alone? I intentionally picked the seat with no window where someone puked on the floor, and am wearing my Airpods in my nose set to smell-cancelling.

Wifi so slow I could send an email faster via Morse code on a telegraph made via the salvged parts from your broken outlets? Joke's on you: I LIKE not working.

As for the train experience itself: can't plug in my phone because the outlet is somehow looser than a tattooed barista's earlobe? I brought my own charger.

It was only 2X the price of the normal ticket, but I get to pretend that I'm in a country with working infrastructure... like Spain, or Italy.

I feel like I'm finally learning how to play Deutsche Bahn roulette. My train is 30 min late, but I bought a Flex ticket, so I got on the earlier train that was an hour late, and thus get home pretty much exactly when I planned.

Thanks, DB, Bern. Let's do this again soon. End.

Coda: I've got to take another train to Zurich because every hotel room in Bern is booked out for a champions league match, this dinner should have been an email, and for a closer, I got big wave splashed by a car in the rain and am now soaking wet. Amazing day, 10/10, no notes.

If only I'd known in advance, I would have brought my family along. Pumpkin carving train tours have got real potential.

Arrived in Basel, but will I make my connection? No, because the doors won't open again. I'm kicking myself for not bringing my skis, because clearly this holiday has potential. ?/n

Very close to Switzerland now, though another long unplanned stop at the border means the connection in Basel will be very tight. Other passengers are optimistic, though I've long since accepted that this is not a business trip anymore. I've gone on holiday by mistake. 20/n

I'm feeling like Bear Grylls for following my intuition to buy an extra large lunch to take on the train this morning in Düsseldorf Hbf. 19/n

Looks like I'll be late for my dinner in Bern. I'm trusting my guests will figure that out themselves. They will have to, as there is no wifi on the train today, and I've now entered the Baden-Wurttemberg Triangle, where mobile signals disappear, never to be heard from again. 18/n

Info on the app is getting more interesting by the hour. Is there some kind of DB bingo I can win by seeing enough different kinds of delay reasons in a single day? Other passengers seem ready to scream BINGO! and I'm worried I'm going to miss out 17/n

Now on the hunt for info on whether I'll make my connection to Bern (not Bonn as I typoed in the first post). Not optimistic, as I'm on a new train and now the DB app doesn't show the connection it did when I got on this one an hour ago. 16/n

Another stop in the middle of nowhere, but at least with a pleasant view. And a helpful announcement for those who are blind/sleeping/utterly confused but with no desire for clarity: "Dear passengers, we have made an unplanned stop. We will let you know when can continue." 15/n

Glück im Unglück, it looks like I'll even catch the next connection to Bern, as that train is also more than 30 min late due to mayonnaise in the gyroscope. 14/n

Back in Köln, which is great, as it's always worth a second visit. 13/n

Morale is soaring now that someone has organized an air show of 3 Eurofighter Typhoons for us while we wait. Some legend in his 70s saunters up to my group standing in the cold and casually asks if this is the 1st class cabin. Laughter erupts. All we're missing now is cocktails. 12/n

Freedom! We're out of the train in Brühl. Morale is surprisingly high, and we're feeling like a proper team of adventurers. 11/n

Exciting plot twist in Brühl: Now we're told DB has arranged for us to go BACK to Köln on another train... but the doors won't open. Interestingly, this is the first time the journey status has been accurately updated in my DB app. 10/n

We're going somewhere called Brühl where we're told we can get on a different train. Passengers in the last three wagons are told to get themselves and all their stuff into the front of the train, because the platform at Brühl isn't long enough for the whole train. 9/n

More creeping, this time from pumpkins to steel. Passengers are excited to have made it at least as far as the Industrial Revolution today 8/n

Train has now crept forward at a slow walking pace and stopped at the pumpkin farm, so maybe we start our new lives here. 7/n

Passengers have agreed it's a real developing country vibe today. All we need to complete the image is for DB to load our luggage on a water buffalo while we walk through the fields in ankle deep mud.

At least everyone is in a good mood laughing about how fucked all of our plans are today. 6/n

Current location: pumpkin patch somewhere between Köln and Bonn. 5/n