OK, I’ll get excited. It’s just that because it’s the Onion and it’s 4/20, I have a suspicion that this whole story was dreamed up in a cloud of ganja smoke.

It shouldn’t be a partisan issue, but it is. Thank you for speaking out on this issue. I wish more Democrats would.

Sorry, I was being sarcastic. I think I get the basic point, which is that they are fundraising from college football fans to help support immigrants become established in the U.S.

Each generation expresses its values in the biggest and most expensive buildings it constructs. In NYC in the early twentieth century, it was schools. Today it is sports stadiums, ballrooms, and triumphal arches.

I have so many questions.

At least both planes are owned by the same company. It will make litigation by the family members of the crash victims simpler.

This called media capture under autocracy. We don’t have a free press anymore.

The Onion, yes.
McSweeney’s, yes.
Forbes, no.

This called media capture under autocracy.

Thanks for doing this. Please keep us up to date on Bluesky on how it went.

You know what would really help New Jersey lead the way on tech and innovation? Having a coherent federal policy on immigration and funding of basic research. Without that, you’re just throwing money at the wrong problem.

Shreveport is the hometown of Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. I’m sure he will be offering thoughts and prayers soon.

He missed the perfect opportunity to play Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon."

Corrupt. Don't forget corrupt.

That’s got be AI. Nobody looks that bad in a suit. Not even John Kruk.

What he’s saying is that Joe Biden planned to commit four terrorist attacks when he was president, but he was too old to do any of them.

He’s going to end the war right after he releases his health care plan and finishes infrastructure week.

No

Harmeet! Swiffer just called and they want you to be their new spokesperson.

TIL a new euphemism for war crime.

Iran Talks 2: Talk Harder

How’s that working out for you, tough guy?

I’ll drink to that!

She is interviewing for a job as the new Swiffer spokesperson.

This man has no soul. He is a ghoul. The living dead.

As soon as we figure out how to buy a bunch of water wings for the South Carolina Army National Guard, we will be deploying them to the Strait of Hormuz.

Unfortunately, United is in talks to merge with American, so the world may not be United for long.

I would rather the Astros start William S. Burroughs at this point. They would still lose, but it would be a helluva ride.

Explain this to me like I’m five.

Because it isn’t true?

Yellow is an interesting choice. It’s a really hard color to pull off in an outfit.