I tried to make an advert for my new book SOLVE THE WORLD'S GREATEST MYSTERIES (out on May 7th from Harper Collins Children's Books) but have slightly lost my voice so it's not amazing. Please buy it though.
VERY COOL PERSON: It's four-twenty, you know what that means?
ME: Hell yeah! [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I am doing a talk at the Cambridge Literary Festival on Saturday. Tickets are free. For a while the website said it was sold out. Now it no longer says that, which suggests some people have had a think and returned their free tickets. NONE TAKEN. www.cambridgeliteraryfestival.com/whats-on/chi...
I heard there was a tasty meal
From Mexico, with great appeal
It's quick to make and could be so much harder
A spicy sauce to make you smile
It's topped with cheese and baked a while
The warming and delicious
Enchilada
"I just had a game pie with the author of the Horrible Histories books."
"Deary?"
"More pheasanty actually."
"Lots of Mediterranean countries agree about what the best musical sequel is. Turkey agrees, Cyprus agrees, Malta agrees..."
"Greece too?"
"No, Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again."
interestingskull.beehiiv.com/p/blew-tooth... - Two jokes about Grease and at least eight about other, funnier things. I was very tired when I did this one.
I am about to send out the new issue of my notably hilarious but strikingly poorly-read monthly newsletter. Subscribe now for OVER TEN HUGE LAUGHS. interestingskull.beehiiv.com
People say I'm old-fashioned for relying on my bluey-green egg timer, but I think it shows I'm really into cyan sand technology.
What doles out soup crying "Out, damned spot!"?
Ladle Macbeth
me: i wonder what we’d be capable of without all these high tech distractions
some guy in like 1066: try and knock me off a horse with this here pole
I have seen a lot of NIMBY selfishness in my time, but "my convenience matters more than cancer care" is a new low. Quite seriously tempted to email them and tell them as much.
I didn't want to tell the truth
And crush the poor ambitious youth
So, even though I don't look nice,
I tipped the man a haircut's price,
Which means I had the same outgoing
As if a pro had done the mowing.)
A trainee haircut: good advice!
(Although, today, I got scalped twice.)
Times are tight and money's rare,
So if you have a lot of hair,
Here's a move that's cheap and brainy:
Get your hair cut by a trainee.
They'll cut your hair for free for practice.
(And sure, I now look like a cactus,
And sadly due to awkwardness,
When asked if I was pleased, said yes.
Blothar The Berserker Of GWAR Explains How Independent Journalism Is The Only Force As Powerful As GWAR. Subscribe to The Onion at membership.theonion.com.
I had some people round for dinner last night, and I tried to impress them with a sauce created from vodka, gravy and nitrous oxide. But all I've done is make myself an absolut laughing stock.
It's Sha Tin College, in the New Territories. Someone told me that they rented it out for the film in order to get a new air conditioning system but I don't know if that's true.
This film absolutely rules. I went to the school they filmed it in.
In Spain, all Apple product names look like the beginning of a surprise.
Everything I do does.
The opposite of Wireless Festival is Leeds Festival.
What do you call a chronic autoimmune disorder best known for her comedy film roles and collaborating with Victoria Wood on a series of beloved television projects?
Coeliac Imrie.
Express headline 7 April 2015: Great tits no guarantee of success in the bedroom, says Prince Charles. Standfirst reads: Prince Charles stepped into a row over the mass slaughter of migratory British songbirds - including great tits and nightingales - in countries where they are said to be 'natural Viagra'
Well, if it’s 7 April, it must be 11 years since His Gracious Majesty, via the medium of the Daily Express, gave us this headline
I say “Lank Dan” like a big French champ
This is what Louis CK said in his comedy special “Sorry” after he was outed as a predatory creep who m@sturbated in front of young female comics in locked hotel rooms.
There's a promise near the beginning of this that it is leading to a great pun. That promise is fulfilled.
"I just had a game pie with the author of the Horrible Histories books."
"Deary?"
"More pheasanty actually."
Elmer Fudd is in bed with a beautiful woman, but she's sad. She says she feels all alone in the world. Elmer says, "The treatment is simple. The great bunny Bugs is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." And the woman bursts into tears. Says, "But Elmer...I am Bugs Bunny."
Might be the greatest opening paragraph of anything ever.
