It goes beyond longing and yearning. Without a hope, without oxytocin, with zero prospects or anyone to even try to impress or an animal to have around in life, what then? Self-destruction becomes a daily practice and falling through the cracks is at it’s easiest, especially with multiple illnesses.

I’m in my mid-thirties and have never had a relationship – never held a hand, never kissed, no girlfriend ever, nothing intimate at all. There becomes a point where it goes beyond missing out on significant developments in life and becomes sad and totally alienating. Is there a cure for this at all?

As a young kid, I was always called shy and quite. Getting older, the same behaviours became avoidant and introverted. None of those are insightful for getting at the causes and conditions that lead to being that way. Ironically, emotional absence has been mostly ever-present in my personal history.

Between my health, finances, not being able to find work, poor relationships, and the overall state of the world, it’s getting harder and harder not letting everything overburden me. Everything is breaking down, breaking apart, and/or just broken.

The only thing getting me through is minimal hope.

That's not where things are at this very moment, but getting too far below baseline, it's hard to say how any further hits may impact that. When suffering too many blows in life with little to no compensation in the other direction, it really feels unbearable to deal with. Life goes on despite that.

Sometimes, the highs of highs are overwhelming, and other times, the lowest of lows can make one not want to carry on anymore. It may or may not resolve in time, and both of those together may be what makes life what it is. It can be difficult to acclimate to either, but getting too low may be fatal

I feel insecure about myself, but it's a feeling that ebbs and flows, given whatever mindset or circumstance that's occurring overall. There's much to feel both inadequate about or to be esteemed about. Either or are ways of coping or dealing with where one is at in any moment and are compensations.

The insight has been milling around for a while, months or years now.

Last night, I dreamt I was watching myself move from place to place from a third-person perspective. I was looking at me from the outside and was trying to recall how I was moving about when I started to wake up. Still observing.

I've been reflecting on where my mind has been at recently. I think I've come to the conclusion that I need to gather my attention back towards myself and the things that I need to get done. There's been too much external influence pulling me around and have been preventing any further improvements.

Today, it's feeling that whoever in my life who would be able to help me is unable to do so, and whoever is able to help me is unable to in some way. In a sense, I feel disconnected and a bit alone, adrift, and just hoping there was someone to lean on when things get like this.

Figuring out what I should say with this account. Maybe something of a journal of my inner monologue. Just thoughts written out in text, working through what's getting at me.