Girl, my type is spunky, curvaceous all over, has a wicked sense of humor and likes whips.

Mike Elias’s type has an ERA over four, an age over 35 and a a WHIP over 1.4.

Awwwwwwwwwwwww yeah.

Girl, I’m not into kink-shaming…
But Mike Elias has a weird thing for fourth starters.

#notseductive

The lineup needs more SPILFs.

Senior-seductive pitchers I’d like to…

I’m a free agent, girl.

Mike Elias and I have very different definitions of “liftoff”, girl.

Mike involves olive oil, a vibrating egg, the tunes of Barry White and no one named “Greg Allen” in my starting lineup.

Single A ballpark, single A lighting, single A umpires. #notseductive

An opening day tradition, girl. Waiting through a long concession line to be told they’re out of what you want and that the QR code isn’t working, so you can’t get a discount on the item you didn’t even want.

This replay brought to you by DraftKings, girl. If they clearly don’t get it right, it’s gotta be DraftKings.

Every micro-blogging site needs a little seductive and a lot of juice for the dong bong. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww yeah.

I love you too, girl. And I still wear my shirt. Except when I don’t wear a shirt. Which is all the time. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww yeah.