Cheer up, Mr. President. We’re the hottest nation around, and you ended 8 wars. Why not take the next week or 2 off

Some personal news: the late, great Hannibal Lecter would like to have me for dinner. I’m truly honored and humbled by this.

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Donald J. Trump

I haven’t taken a Lyft or uber that costs less than $25 since 2015

I wish I loved anything as much as Lyft loves pestering me to redeem my pathetic 20% discount coupon capped at $5. I spit on your fucking coupon, Lyft. Die.

Holy shit it’s Dr. Demento

“We should stop trying to assign blame to the evil Trump administration destroying the world. Let’s set our sights lower.”

Me yesterday: oh my god I have to do so much laundry tomorrow

Me today: oh my god I have to do so much laundry this week

Happy bday George

This is not going as well as I’d hoped

Thanks for breaking it down for us

I made this when Melania did her iconic press conference bsky.app/profile/tedc...

He is Charlie Kirk. He carries the flame.

I messed up bad

I went to the grocery store yesterday and forgot at least 60% of the things I intended to buy and still spent like $200

Not all heroes wear capes….sometimes they wear circumcised penises🫡

Charlie Kirk hologram

I believe your joke was the straw that broke the camels back and made this happen. Great job.

Will you still sell powdered ants? I’ll admit I’ve acquired a taste for those.

This penis protester is a national hero in earnest

Thank you for your bravery in speaking out @timheidecker.bsky.social. I know you and Global Tetrahedron will do right by the American People.

He really did wander off into that jungle. Iconic

Take my money

This is poetry

Hot take: [redacted]

“I touch you once. I touch you twice. I won’t let go at any price.”
- Donald Trump, on his lifelong pattern of sexual assault

Tweeps, I won’t sugarcoat it: I’m concerned that our FBI director, Kash Patel, is a monumentally dumb bozo assclown loser piece of shit with unaddressed psychological issues of the highest order, and it’s putting our national security at risk.

Tech Bros are the strongest affirmative case for a little bit of bullying being useful. Can't help but feel like someone slapping Karp when he was 13 and telling him to knock it the fuck off would have been a good thing for the planet! Sorry! Now he's all of our problem!

One atomic wedgie will send that Palantit Karp creep running home to mommy. He needs it bad. That memo is absolutely ludicrous.