I'm just venting. Somehow I'll make it, just have to.

All I'm really asking is just...little patience : (

for a week later in may, and now I'm behind on work, but need to still open some new work next week so I can pay bills etc

I might just open some smaller/quicker stuff with markdown, anything I could do bit faster...

I feel like I can't catch a break. This year so far has been a nightmare for me.

Seriously getting frustrated that I'm just not getting better. Now it's more about just... I'm anemic, so very fatigued like all the time. It's hard to keep up when even normal daily tasks just exhaust me to the point I need to lay down.

I'm just stressed out about next month, bc I'm gonna be away-

Yeahhh, I know xD but I still feel like..even at low quality, it shouldn't taste -sweet- unless it was just going out... eugh..

I'm going to NYC next month so I guess it'll be my sidequest to get a pastrami sandwich there. . . .

man like, I remember seeing pastrami on TV when I lived in Finland and was like "oh man I wanna try that" and then I did.... from McAllister's I think.. and it was so fucking bad, again that weird sweet flavor. I wonder how the experience would be now that I'm in New England.

really good vegetarian/vegan options for protein. And I've found a lot of new go-tos :>

As a tangent...I mainly don't wanna eat meat because of moral reasons. I still like the taste and all, just feel like I can't support how we get it on our table. Red meat has actually been the easiest to drop, it's chicken I struggle with : P

Thankfully these days the market is full of-

sweet and that way really fucking gross to me.
Like tried it in Arby's - awful. Tried it as cold cuts -awful.

But this sandwhich.
Finally, savory, as it should be.

(I know there are good non-meat sources for iron, just wanting few more options while I recover)

I'm temporarily eating red meat, just to get bit more iron in. And I bought a roasted beef sandwich from a local grocery store deli. I was bit apprehensive because my experience with american roasted beef has been awful.
I don't know if it's a southern thing but it's always been weirdly-

There's plenty different brands out here but its the Golden ones that just... are so damn good.

Have to say in general, I LOVE going to grocery stores near closing (like an 1.5-1h before) when its so empty and quiet.. can just look at everything at peace. Downside is not necessarily having fresh stuff out in deli/bakery sections.

Happiness is finding Golden-brand pierogies (the cheddar/potato one specifically...) from a store we typically don't shop at ,w,

Love Whiplash sooo much, but man does it ever remind me bit too much of personal experiences in university :]

I'm finally starting to feel/be close to normal again ~__~
What a relief..
What persists is just fatigue, might be little anemic after....well, everything.

but yeah the past 8 days have been some of the roughest of my life jfc

they’re going through your mail 📮💌

In US I'm kinda on my own in all accounts.

have to add.. I'm kinda used to just pushing through shit alone, just never been in an environment where I could feel like I could rely on anyone fully.

It just feels extra bad when I'm in a country that's not mine. Back at home I'd know where to go, like resources given by government etc.

Really feeling it today how I have nothing or no one here.

I feel really helpless and alone.

Genuinely a culture shock for me that everything in US is drive-through. No need to even step out of your car to handle bank stuff or fill your meds...

Crazy

I've never had sardines and in general am not a huge fan of fish, but that looks absolutely delish : 9

I just feel like I need to keep everything at arms length, and that's probably a clear and direct reason why I don't really have friends, or why it's hard to meet new people.

I just need more positive interactions, and to meet healthier people...

I know it's just... in my head. I haven't had a lot of positive experiences like..ever lmao.
Abused people often repeat the patterns and that's how I've ended up in abusive relationships again and again.
My current one being the first to break the mold and I don't even know how to be anymore.

Idk, in general I feel...especially in the past year, that I'm actually just more scared about being close with anyone, partners or friends. Closeness and intimacy feel terrifying, and while I crave them I'm also feeling like I don't wanna engage with either anymore.

now I just feel this disdain to lot of things regarding kink.

Obviously I'm just still hurt, and it'll take a while to heal. And I just need to meet more healthier people.

But for my own safety I will always have to steer clear from certain things and never again get with people who want to live and breathe their kinks.

I can't lie it's rough, because it has also made it harder for me to embrace my own things I'm into. I was repressed a long time, and-

it has left a pretty deep gash in me. I was also withheld closeness/intimacy if I didn't agree to do certain things and it was just... all in all BAD.

Obviously that person is the worst possible example and I'm sure there are others that approach those things in a much healthier way.

live the way I want, and everyone else can do their thing.

But point I'm trying to make is it's...pretty rough.
I have history with sexual abuse, and coming out from a relationship where I was coerced and felt pressured to be into things I didn't want, some lighter aspects also being forced on me-

I'm really like.. I don't care about what people are into and what their kinks are, to each their own, live your best life.

...
But I cannot ever fully accept or be near certain ones (and thankfully I don't have to!) and I can't ever again accept ones that are 24/7. This is just me, and I can

I guess ironic thing is, that I'm having to endure this to help other health issues..........

Sorry to be bit vague. Its all just very tmi in nature.