I've eaten enough cookies to kill a Victorian child

holiday shopping finished!

would it kill dmv to get a fuckin ring light?

i travel with my own pillowcase. not high-maintenance- just pre-disappointed.

I’m not using my turn signal anymore. It’s none of your business where I’m going.

i feel like they’re rolling their eyes, making the jerk off motion at me.

nailed it!

thanks for sharing your moon with me on instagram. we don't have a moon where i live.

without looking crazy, how long can you wave your hands under a paper towel dispenser until you realize it's a manual one? (pls say 30 secs)

There should be a three day waiting period before you can buy an acoustic guitar

“fuck you, elderly people!” -restaurants with QR codes for menus

“I’m going to kamikaze-attack you with my ass knife now.” -bees

thank you for the thank you card. can we end this thank you cycle now?

my tax man asked me why my W-2s smell like french fries, in case you’re wondering how the new year’s going.

giving a $25 gift card for pottery barn is a good way of letting someone know you don’t want them having anything from pottery barn.

january 1st: this is the year i turn it all around & get healthy!

january 2nd: ran out of sugar so i put lucky charms marshmallows in my coffee

starbucks says it. i believe it.

happy valentine’s day, everyone!

sorry i didn't read the entire 3 paragraphs you posted on instagram below your picture, but i liked it anyway because i trust you.

showering and then putting on my daytime pajamas

it doesn’t matter how many stars a hotel has. you’ll always find one star hotel people in the pool.

hiking is not a hobby. it’s what you do when you run out of gas.

A gold cybertruck with the words “#1 HAIR TRANSPLANT” in all caps on the side

It’s hard to dunk on cyber truck owners any worse than what they regularly do to themselves

this elderly couple doesn’t have gps, so i drew them a map on a cocktail napkin like a goddamn conquistador.

i sense my dad’s crushing disappointment that i don’t know wtf an orbital palm sander is, but i can sure think of 3 dick jokes about it.

i had to make sure i just opened the right app

i guess i’ve reached ‘hangover me feels exactly like regular me’ years old.

thank you, kindly! 🙏🏻

When will they invent a drug you can take that fixes other people