I wish they invented a shampoo that you only had to use once and your hair would stay washed forever

Limoncello la croix tastes like sunscreen but I’ll keep drinking that garbage

Feel better friend

You’re being such a drama queen

Are you mad at me

Naur I need people to know it’s me

when you see a MISSING PET poster for a bird it’s like — he’s fuckin gone man. He is out of here

It feels keenly unfair that I should be fat just because I eat whatever I want and don’t exercise

Due to covid everybody has to wear condoms now:/

I am outside your house @ElonMusk

I'm gonna be an astronaut

Does anybody want to insert a giant marshmallow roasting stick through my torso and slowly rotate me over a campfire until I’m perfectly golden brown?

Don’t mind trials but I absolutely have to draw the line at tribulations

Where’s my second invite code bitches 🥱

My mom heard the word “woke” on fox news and asked me if she is woke. No mom

Am I allowed to post death threats here or nah

my client just bit me your honor

Does anybody want to pick me up by my ankle and drag me across some broken glass and a burning fire then feed me to a lion?

Rotating my juicy brain and perfect heart in my mind

Only dozens of idiots

Who will pay white boys to write travel vlogs in third world countries now

Yeah I’m thinking is 5 o fricking clock

*taps mic* Is this thing on?