Pixelated photo of sims character in the bathroom.

Is this how it looks to my relatives in heaven when I’m taking a shit? Asking for a friend.

I wonder how many times I click my mouse in a day.

a cartoon of mickey mouse walking down a sidewalk Alt: a cartoon of mickey mouse walking down a sidewalk

Me walking past my bookshelf full of dying plants.

Book cover for King Sorrow by Joe Hill.

Just finished. 5/5.

“You’ve already had a mental breakdown today.”

Yes, but what about second breakdown?

We consider ourselves a pretty progressive place, but for the love of god that is NOT what our Hump Day parade is meant to be.

Why no love for the Community College comma?

Mondays and Fridays should be a half day at work. Ease in and out of the week.

Remember Remember the 15th of– ah shoot I bungled it.

a car is driving through a desert with trees in the background and a tree in the foreground . Alt: A tumbleweed blowing across the screen.

I’ll never understand FB Marketplace.

Is this still available?

Yes.

…

California is the powerhouse of the cell.

We do sell lactaid in our gift shops but it would be a waste of money as the only place that actually uses real milk is the Log Flume.

I don’t understand how people go through a whole year and not read a single book…

Pizza Rolls are not considered fully cooked until they look like they’ve been in a head on collision.

More like Ariana Pequeña, am I right?!

How many more weeks of winter Phil?

Phil: 6-7

And Jesus said unto his disciples “Fuck around and find out.”

Me: I’m going to Slaw School.

Date: Oh you’re going to be a lawyer?

Me: …no

Date: Wait, do you mean Culinary School?

Me: nope. Just Slaw.

Date: …

INTERVIEWER: what is your greatest strength

ME: i go berserk whenever i hear an oxymoron

INTERVIEWER: wouldn’t that be your greatest weakness

ME: *lunges across desk*

Watch out for ICE this weekend. Very dangerous to many citizens. May cause injuries or worse.

This is a post about weather.

Did you know if you’re chewing gum while spinning on the Gravitron you can spit it out of your mouth and it will land back in your mouth? Give it a try for science!

Damn. That’s impressive.

“Honk if you____” is the analog version of a Repost.

Philanderist and Philanthropist are too similar spelling wise for me not to accidentally put it on my resume.

What’s the carbon footprint of having to go to the hardware store multiple times just to complete one project?

Wonder Park New Year’s Resolutions:
• Figure out why the fountain on Main Street keeps “bleeding”
• Less fecal matter, uh, everywhere
• No more “controlled” fires
• Break even. Just once.
• Either fully submit ourselves to the rule of Hush-Hush or find an exorcist. No more half-assed commitments

Sending me one last email to let me know I’ve unsubscribed is so desperate.

There is nothing i’ll do faster in life than pull up receipts to prove I was right.

The amount of restraint that I use at this job could power a nuclear reactor.

How is your year going so far? Currently I’m at the “If I got into a car accident I wouldn’t have to go to work today” stage.