60 is my Mendoza line now. I prefer shorts and cold beer when I play.

Just teleport me to the waffle house already.

I get it bluesky dot com I need a break too.

3 beers in and I’m good either way.

I just don’t love a heart shaped tub

Let me guess, it tastes like an orange peel?

-me getting dragged to a new brewery.

When a person loses 1 sense the others are heightened. That's why people who have no sense of humor have an amazing sense of self-importance.

(unexpected guest stops by)

me: may i offer you a comfortable place to sit back at your own house?

Two of the astronauts tried to get back in the capsule.

hey banks stop offering me credit cards have you learned nothing

Well boys it’s survival of the fittest out here. Good luck and we’re all counting on you.

-me talking to the blooming plants and flowers.

You aren’t special I disappoint everyone

I am also back after a three day break but you don't see me making a big deal about it

And you wanted to be my peace prize winner.

wife: did you preheat the oven like I told you?
me: yep
wife: what temperature
me: 434
wife that's the clock
me:
wife:
me: 435

I used to be insulted by AARP mailers because I was too young, now I am insulted that they think I'll ever be able to retire.

Jesus Christ man, grab an UBER.

One of the kids playing basketball tonight broke his foot 3 weeks ago and I’m still nursing a softball injury from 1998.

Tip: If your wife uses a backpack purse while grocery shopping you can slip things in there and it's not you shoplifting.

My favorite tree is back and doing her best to block the neighbors.

Comforting to see the rest of the world is falling apart with me.

Might have hurt my neck from shaking my head at this one.

Transitioning to spring forward with a little help from NyQuil tonight.

cramming for this eye exam looking at every fucking thing I can

put my symptoms into WebMD and it said I have a really old joke format

Why say yes when no feels so good.

Chin hair so long you claim it on your taxes

I found the way to get along at work is to simply repeat only the adjective someone uses to tell you about something. So if they’re like, I have to tell you about this amazing call. I listen, pause for a second like I’m taking it in, and then say, Amazing.

I’m choosing to believe it’s true.