i talk to my alexa with a little gusto and swagger i know she wants me so bad

the nfl would be better if they made it feel more like watching a yugioh duel

2 likes and ill record a reaction to the very hungry caterpillar

showing hole at 100 followers

wes anderson but it’s breast anderson and he’s got huge naturals

“take um scrambled, hold the shell” say this at a diner so they know you’re tough, cool, and know eggs like no one else

a tummy ache is the worst thing that can happen to a woman, followed closely by 9/11

that mouse will never get a cookie (i say as i eat my cereal, massive spoons full)

*mouse gets cookie*

SPIT OUT CEREAL

To Give a Mouse a Cookie - First Impressions

magician made my wife disappear. i feel so immaasculated i can’t breath.

i’m like if the dark magician wasn’t that dark, and was normal and not a magician

retaining my seed this wednesday so im more present with my boys during dnd. not gonna let cum ruin my innovative ideas

guy who keeps getting judi dench and judy hopps confused: be honest, do you think a guy like me has a chance with someone like her?

i wasn’t gonna join but then i heard matt mac was here

this new app ain’t so bad it’s got my friend matt mac

i’m
so nervous
for this selfie sunday

men used to be married to the sea, now they’re married to their fuckin PHONES

cleveland cavaliers is such a beautiful name for what i’m sure is a bad, stinky team

as a citizen of the metaverse, mr. mark zuckerberg is my president

my wife’s giving birth rn and she’s acting nonchalant about it. she keeps asking to take a hit of my vape

i’m like the posting bambi, learning to post after my bambi mom was shot by the bambis mom killer

alright alright moving over here again