When you're on your way to a restaurant do you say the name of the restaurant out loud over and over again until you arrive at the restaurant? Great, me too.

I hate when I force myself to try to be friendly to my neighbors and they ignore me. Look buddy, I could've absolutely obliterated you in a not saying hi contest if I knew that's what we were playing.

Men love using the word "beverage"

Just fyi I'm bringing back biotch

Sometimes I think someone is much younger than me and then they go and say something like "snakes on a plane"

My Jingle Bell Rock take is not enough songs anymore go ba dum dump dump

Dropping stuff wouldn't suck so bad if you didn't have to bend down and pick it up

I one day hope to find a love as pure as the love between Wyna Liu and frickin homophones!!!!!!!! Am I right ladies????????

I walked past a bar with a bunch of coats hanging up and I thought "How nice. They're having a coat drive." Then I realized it was simply a coat rack.

This was my Thanksgiving

It finally happened. I saw a shirt I really wanted and it was for dogs.

There's a gun store in my hometown called Four Guns and their slogan is "we believe everyone should have at least four guns"

Whenever a Trader Joe's cashier says what I'm buying is delicious it's like stop looking at my groceries you pervert

There's a section of my closet known to locals as The Sweater Pit.

I know a grocery store playing Lisa Loeb hates to see me coming

It's the one night of the year you're allowed to walk around saying "bustin' makes me feel good!"

I think I need someone to massage my teeth

Stairs are crazy. My face is next to a stranger's butt.

I know I have pretty privilege because I've never been hit by a car.

I remembered because a little girl named Layla on this flight is kicking my seat

I just remembered the time I briefly dated a guy who worked late hours at a restaurant. He said he was only free "after midnight."

I said, "Like the Eric Clapton song?"

He said, "I don't know what you're talking about."

He ghosted me.

Looking back at my notes:

Idea: horror movie about how museums are boring

Please don't steal this idea

"Wowie zowie" - me driving over any bridge

Remember this day. The day a woman at Texas Roadhouse said I was perfect.

I love seeing every single member of a family on their phone at the same time

I'm scared

I'm the kind of person people feel like they can be their true selves around and it's a constant nightmare. Reel some of that back in.

I love how the instagram algorithm will serve me an account called something like tiny_baby_cocaine_sluts and then I'll click and see every person I've ever known already follows it.

I wrote some helpful nutrition advice

If anyone ever says "it's not that deep" to me I'll put them in a grave