Someone burned popcorn in the breakroom microwave so obviously I gave my two weeks' notice.

I told some kids to stop horsing around, so apparently my transition into my dad is now complete.

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.

me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

librarian: stop talking

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

I'm a tolerant person but I will absolutely judge you by how many remotes you use for your TV.

I think it was Gandhi who said that a drawer full of mismatched cutlery is a sign of a life well-lived.

I just said the wrong thing to my wife and you know how you stub your toe and there's that moment of regret before the pain?