Sun setting in an orange glow behind the silhouette of a Queen Palm

They’re hating your guts on innards chat

I’m here to advise that’s it beautiful out and I’m heading to the coast with the sunroof open, windows down, and Bacharach blaring. Come along for the ride.

My brother worked for a big defense contractor and they banned walking on your phone or looking at it and workplace injuries dropped about 19% in 6 months. Not sure why I’m telling you this

He’s doing what he should be doing: going on alcoholic benders and using cocaine to straighten up and getting paranoid and freaking out

Driving map showing a 22 minute drive to the good pizza

I’m craving Bronx Pizza but you see my dilemma.

Sorry, Ant.

His Izod sneakers gave him away as Swedish

Apparently the Scots are good with fingers! I was in the wrong country

WWSLEGD (what would Steve Lawrence & Eydie Gormé do?)

Thank you. That is sickness.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Drags a Tin Cup Against Her Bars
~ working title

A five day work trip where my hotel room is totally tight and ordered and by tomorrow the maids will look at each other and say he’s unraveling

Happy Birthday!!!!

If this is real my daughters need to get their cc permits

Guys I have staff in Bozeman and have to visit there regularly and who has two thumbs and gets to camp in Yellowstone all summer on the company?

The worst is running late into a meeting with thirteen loose human fingers and not sure what to do and seeing this sign

I’m from the “hitting your electronics until they work again” era.

Uh oh. Better check w my family. I’m on the road and hadn’t seen anything! Thanks!

Oh, no.

“Popecop 3: I’m too old for this shit” summer, 2026

Someone just told me that The Princess Bride is "overrated" and long story short it's perfectly acceptable to remove toxic people from your life.

“Popecop 2: To Hell and Back”
This summer, starring Ron Perlman

If Trump is the Savior, then god wants you to commit adultery and fuck kids. Tread lightly.

Popecop: Infallible

Popecop: the Resurrection

My wife works for a nonprofit that handles rebates and does dealer outreach. 11 years in she bangs her head against the wall wondering why more isn’t done. She can only make so many calls

Turn my ashes into a diamond so even after I'm dead I can help out by cutting circles in windows on heists

“Pope cop: Pontiff of Destruction, Summer, 2026”

Doing donuts in the Dairy Queen parking lot, seducing the dipcone chicks