I'm not purring because you're near it's an uncontrollable self-soothing reaction to a dark cloud above you, it looks like a jackhammer. Oh I'm not purring at all we are vibing to the center of the earth
When you round up to half a clam for the description of how you're feeling, just so the other beach combers can laugh it off lightheartedly while they poke around for their halves, you have outvalved yourself
Always making the wrong silence when I wanna be quiet, does that ever happen to me? At least I'm nodding along again to a lo-fi inner monologue
If you always open a bag of chips upside down it's because a very naughty potato has cursed your entire snackline. But I'm seriously, do not be too disappotatoed in yourself
Demolition in soft blues and deep grays.
Me (4am): Well, I'm up now. May as well enjoy it.
Me (5:29am): Oh, this is not going to end well.
You can always ask the obelisk.
It's a simple kaleidoscope, no mirrors, no turning, no color. It helps if you believe in it but I don't and look at me, still making a receipt out of milk and food coloring
In the club processing my religious trauma
The real lesson in little red riding hood is to not body shame the elderly
Might stand up on my chair, gyrate my hips and shout, "I WANT A MIATA"
Accepting new knowledge by funnel only.
We can’t prove that there wasn’t at least one Pharaoh who was a cat
one time my phone rang & i looked & saw that my mom was calling me so what i did was i gently set my phone down on the kitchen table, went outside, got in my car & drove to the beach, got out of my car, walked straight into the ocean & began metamorphosizing into a small fish.
It’s called a window because the wind hits it and goes “ow”
About to buy a time machine on temu someone stop me
People wanting me to do things, why do you want me to do things? I am too scared of things for even this question, you know.
friend: *emits beam of love and light*
me: *yawns* what else you got
when on a first date, try to make it memorable:
•be a gentleman
•take them to a nice restaurant
•get their fingerprints on a murder weapon
•make an anonymous call to the cops
My wife was lining up her Amazon shows earlier and I accused her of being involved in organised Prime so tonight I’m sleeping in the shed
help me, i have started saying Clackmannanshire and I can't stop
my back story is that each night when i'm tired i lie down on my back and fall asleep. thanks
*accidentaly murders a vampire trying to set up a tent*
Googling whether I can eat antacids every night as a little treat while quietly chanting, “please say yes.”
A pangolin covered in overlapping brown scales walks across a sandy landscape. Text on the image reads “Sponsor a pangolin for just $5 a month,” with the Fauna & Flora logo in the corner.
Well, there goes my retirement fund.
My friend: you should really be a writer.
Me: I already am:
I SAID I'M RESTING TODAY
thinking about wearing a snorkel and a pool float that looks like a big yellow duck to my next interview i really wanna be a memorable candidate
In Poland, pole dancing is just called dancing.
I am up for a fitness assessment, sure. Fit
Ness
Ass
Into
A
Casket
Maybe