die hard is NOT a christmas movie...

die hard is a black friday movie...

die hard is a thanksgiving movie...

die hard is a bonfire night movie...

(in the UK)

die hard is a halloween movie...

if you liked that wait until you hear how he got his chocolate chute filled to the brim with gloop...

🫂

be the reason mall santa "needs a minute", before the next person sits in his lap

your pornstar name is just your mum's name

A lint roller but for my life

"oh yeah? well how about you 'everlasting gobstopper' on these you fucking weirdo" charlie said, stuffing another oompa loompa bollock into wonka's mouth...

🫦

👋 🧀

🫂

let’s flood the house with carbon monoxide, make love, pass out sex-drunk & call it a life

Actually, how even did Gwyneth Paltrow get away with selling that candle? Like if there was a Robert DeNiro candle called, “This Smells Like My Penis” it would be borderline sex offense.

But have you tried a comically large sandwich about it?

I got filter straws for the apocalypse so who wants to come over and drink the creek water behind my house with me to see if they work

In my experience you should shut the fuck up

die hard is a labour day movie...

float like poop in a hot tub, sting like wasabi in your lube...

View from behind of a guy in a hard hat and hi-viz vest that has "Manhole Assessor" written on the back

Here to judge the skeets

the story about pinocchio's nose growing longer was all a lie

I’m wearing lots and lots of clothes

-me flirting

worm in my apple, thought of you

Not to brag but I haven’t acted like a psycho once today