8-10. DON'T LET THE FLAME OF COMPETENT OFFENSE DIE OUT

8-9. hou truly do love to sea it

7-9. by all rights we should have scored double digits

6-9. NICE

5-9. whew that was a totally stress free win

off-day update. can we just have a normal april for five fuckin minutes

a skeleton wearing a plaid shirt and hat is sitting in the grass ALT: a skeleton wearing a plaid shirt and hat is sitting in the grass

we're past rationality

4-9. I don't want to waste an "oh my god bruh" this early in the season, but OH MY GOD BRUH

4-8. if I had a nickel for every time george kirby had an eight inning complete game loss...

4-7. is it controversial to say gilbert might not even be SP3

4-6. despite what their name might imply, the los caliheim angeles angelfornia anaheims of los anafornia are a godless baseball team

4-5. ጆ አዴል ፣ ኃጢአተኛ ነፍስህ ከመዳን በላይ ናት እናም ሰላምን ወይም ሥቃይን አታውቅም ፣ የንስሐ ቅዝቃዜ ብቻ አብቅቷል ፣ ምክንያቱም ኃጢአቶችህ ከማንኛውም ተልእኮ የላቀ ስለሆነ ፣ መጨረሻው ቀርቧል ፣ የኃጢአት መርከቦች

4-4. if you are totally pumped about your team reaching .500...

3-4. yankees fans will watch their team curbstomp yours and scold your broadcasters for not being enthusiastic enough about it

3-3. ohhh look at me I'm the yankees I have former MVPs and cy young candidates out the wazoo. fuck you

3-2. LeDumper

2-2. let the record show that I have never said anything bad about emerdaughter footpussy

1-2. nope. definitely bad

the good news is we also have 2 doubles and a triple! mmmmmmmm..... triples......

Per Stathead, no MLB team since at least 1898, the earliest year for which their relevant data stretches back, has started their year without a single in their first two games.

Until the 2026 Seattle Mariners.

1-1. maybe living and dying by the long ball ain't so bad

0-1. it'd be nice to not live and die by the long ball

you know it!

90-72. see you in october!

90-71. the value of ninety wins going from second team out to wild card to first round bye in a matter of years is insane work

90-70. we can't buy a win against these guys, but we locked down the nominally easier playoff path, so it is what it is

90-69. hey. look at us. who would've thought? not me!

89-69. it still hasn't sunk in yet. it will soon enough

88-69. in the words of cal himself, might as well go win the whole fuckin' thing

Houston, we have liftoff.