now we can safely hunker down in the fortress

my dog just pissed on every single tree during our journey around the block #proudpapa

how do we really know the pig in slop is happy? could the pig in fact be sad?

my buddy is showing salesman characteristics so i might cut him off forever

they were saying all kinds of mean stuff about you behind the moon

good idea 🧠

if a meteorite struck and demolished my neighbor’s house i wouldn’t react at all

target acquired

fighting a guy for saying he gets more headaches than me

surely this is all preamble to my real, true life

(at a job interview) basically i want to be your slave so i can kind of pay my mortgage

i’m afraid some battles cannot be won lol

wahh the newspaper my mommy and daddy read is censoring the president’s post. i can’t believe they’d do this to me and mommy and daddy..
*nyt editor voice* drink up little baby yes. who’s a good little stupid baby! you are yes!

my neighbor’s dog is sending me coded messages that say things like ‘i never stop barking. i never shut the fuck up’

dude was just straight up sauntering

(breaking my silence after not speaking for 28 hours) the weather has taken a morbid turn

trillium

trillium.. retvrn

culver’s root

culver’s root.. retvrn

Clean the front camera.

no

gone off that Flonase

industrialist father taking his son to a pristine creek to teach him how to poison all the fish in it

driving off with your travel mug on the roof of your car

#blunderclassics

✅

my manservant is feeding me grapes while i post about how miserable my life is

searching ‘victuals, sustenance, things of that nature’ on maps

The first email. Wow

hell yea brother

it’s my friday

we need to step up our game