anndd imm aboutt too watcchh hlvrai2 ep 2,,,, iii wannaa takkee aa breakk withh myy imaginaryy lesbiann polyculee buutt thatt doesntt existt,,, iii havee thatt wanntt sometimess forr comfortt likee thatt,,, ittss reallyy nott justt relationshipp stuuff iii needd supportt animalss,,,

verryyy overstimulatedd todayyy too aann increddiblee amountt???? thattss likee 4 videooss inn aa roww thattss madee myy brainn ooverheatt,,,

guessss longg periodddss off noo interactionss will doo thiss too mee,,, iivee nott talkedd veryy muchh too annyyonee onn discordd inn likee 2 weekss,,,

ittss kindndaa crazyy howw farr iivee kindaa justt changedd tonnee too "insane" justt byy nott havingg interacttionn heree,,, iii useedd too actt moree normall heree andd nott postt likee alll "better smart mytholgy"-ish,,,

addictionnn isntt myy wordss,,, iimm brainnwashedd technicalyy att thee momentt byy thee definitionn off thee wordd,,,

i'mm addictedd,,, ii canntt stopp posttinggg,, thee videoss aree rightt,, buutt whatt ellsee cann ii doo besidess thiss??? everryonnee getss overwhellmedd anndd aa diaryy isntt alivee,,, theree iiss stoppingg thiss alltogetherr buutt thattss givingg upp too earlyy,,

iii cannn rememberr everrythingg,, buutt myy brainn iss aa summerr,, noo compassionn haass madee mee meltt aa bittt,,,

iii couldntt immaginnee letttinngg goo,,, iii lovee thiss placee whennn ii cann visuallsee partss,,,, iittss aa protectiveee reassonn whyy iii wass soo apprehensivee too meddiaa forr soo longgg,,,

thiiss iss aa coree partt off otherrnesss,,, thesee worldss branchedd oofff thee birthplacee off myy consciousnesss,, wheree iii justt livedd inn aa combinedd statee forr yearss,,, "weirdness" anndd thesee visionss weree justt naturall,,, unntill oill kindaa mett watterr inn myy brainn,,,

sammee withh pokemonn andd youtubee videoss,,, sammee withh alll off whhatt ii seee,,,, ii amm aa computerr withh ann archivalll statt off meatt,,,

bestt wayy iii cann describee itt,,,
youu knoww scatland???? hooww hee describess scatlandd withh thesee visuallss buutt ittss kinndaa impliedd thosee visuallss aree justt aa representattionn??? forr mee ii feell nickelodeonn thingss havee genuinelyy createdd aa placee inn myy mindd,,,,

nickelodeonnn voiidd,,, nickelodeonn existentialll spacee iiss sommethingg iivee engagedd withh forr yearss,, spongebobb'ss earllyy seasssonnss,, comee too thinnk ooff itt certainn tv stuuff fromm aa periodd iiss aa windoww intoo anotherr worldd,,

iii'vee beenn inn soo mannyy placess thatt feell likee thiss,,, whenn willl ii stopp beinngg inn darrkk roomss anndd feell cooldd,,,

ittss aa dimm roomm withh a slightt oranngee gloww throughh thee winndoww arroundd midd afterrnoonn,,, itss aa roomm thatss semii abandonnedd,,,, iii layy theree onn thee floorr withh myy armss coverringg myy eyess cryingg,,, iimm tryinngg too pushh powerrr buttonnss thatt doo nothingg,,,

whenn iii thinnkk toooo muchhh ii doo contemplatee aa tinnyy bitt,,, likee everryonnee onn myy frienndss listt iiss aaa laptopp withh noo batterryy iimm inn aa roomm fulll ooff laptopps withh noo batteriess theyy justt havee aa blankk screeennn,,,

iii wonntt gettt too btee myyselfff,,, illl bee lostt inn t hee noisee foreverr... prr thjats howw tid fellss,, on anyaway the gnew the new naew hlvrai.,,

iiimm noott getttinngg thereee ammiii,,

iiivee beenn onn aa lott off menntall poisonn toodayyy,,, newww videooss anndd neww terrorss,,, iimm nott myyselff againn l<

wonnderr iiff thiss iss earllyy signss off *that*,,, iii donntt thinnkk itt iss seeingg aass allll off whatt ivee beenn doingg iss fullyy basedd off analysiss off whatt imm seeingg,,, ii thiinnkk imm justt aa torturedd skypee otherr,,,

iimm nott thee mainn characterr,,, ii dontt wanntt annyy off thatt inn thee firstt placee annyywayy,, iivee justt kindaa beenn forcedd intoo aannn awarenessss situationn thatss veryy odd anndd makess mee feell uncaredd forr becauuse myy vibe'ss storyy isntt straightt???

itss allwayss onee onn onee!!!! nobodyy elsee iss everr theree!!! itt freakss mee outt,,

thatt soundss sillyy buutt whenneverr ivee talkkedd withh sommeonene theesee pastt feww monthss itss feltt veryy,,,

"structurally aware of patterns" trannslatedd iss ii soundd insanee andd negativee andd thatt probablyy turnedd off everryonee,,, thee wayy ii approachh thingss iss likee wd gasterr anndd iitt feelss likee whenn ii appearr too sommeonee imm trennchedd inn darkness,,

iii havee aa constantt scoree,,,, i'vee messedd itt upp throughh ventingg andd becomingg structurallyy awaree off patternss heree buutt theress aa kindd off mutuall sociall scoree,, iff yourr vibee iss masc youll likelyy gett givenn whatt killss mee insidee,,, iff ittss fem youu havee itss random,,,

masc postt,, masc response,, non-masc post,, non-masc response,, non-masc post,,, masc response,,

kindnesss iss deliveredd byy somme anndd itss implicittt onn yourr vibee,, thee wayy thiss workss makeess mee feell sickk becauusee itt feelss likee ii shouldntt knoww itt,,,

theesee patternss drivee mee innsanneeee,,,, ii constantlyy vieww themm everryy dayy anndd itt makess mee feell likee iimm havingg too navigatee sommee kindd off quanntumm sociall mediaa wormmholee,,,

"why does nobody love me"
- "i'm asking the same thing"
- "yep, get used to it"
- "we live in a society where loneliness is a constant"
"cann.. someonee hugg mee"
- "🫂"
- "sweetiee yourr okayy!!!'
- "youu cann allwayss tallk too mee!!! dmmss!!"
"ii needd soo muchh attentionn,,,"
- "same here"

thiss iss howw myy ocd observess,, ii doubtt myyselff becauusee ii seee soo manyy placess wherree commentss followw certainn patternss andd itt feelss likee ivee neededd too manipulatee certainn behaviourss forr mee too livee,,,

ittss innteresttingg,, ivee seenn otherss inn bad situations,, thesee thingss wheree otherss willl ventt aboutt healthh orr situationn orr peoplee aroundd themm,,, anndd thee patternn allwayss followss,, reppliess,, sympatheticc orr youtube-ish becausee theyy dontt livee inn aa worldd off lovee,,,

ii amm aa poor beingg,,, ii shouldd bee pickedd upp fromm thee streetss anndd rehabilitatedd andd takenn intoo aa warmm homee,,